Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Lets Focus On The Positive

Hi again <3
After my update that I did yesterday I sort of felt like I only talked about the negative aspects of what has been happening while I have been gone from here. I feel like I barely brushed on the good things in my life. Then again, this blog, this place right here, has sort of been my sanctuary for my sanity, emotions and thoughts. This is where I truly can vent out my shit out in to the world then close the tab and forget about it more or less. It is liberating for me to do so because some things I can never speak about irl. I know that my most inner thoughts are quite dark and hard to manage and to deal with. Not many people around me can actually deal with it. I understand that it gets to heavy and I don't want to burden those around me with it, besides, it is not anyone's burden to carry besides myself actually. I know people say that they are there for you, and yes, to some extent they are. However, not to this length and the weight of it. I only say this based on my experience. Some people around me that reads my blog gets shocked by the things that I write. That is why I write it, so it is optional to read it for those who can and want and for those who can't, can simply click out. No hard feelings, easy peasy lemon squeezy. I understand for real though. Sometimes even I can't deal to hear some things and that is OK. We are all different. Just wanted to put it out there.

Anyhow, I am gonna try to write something positive that has actually happened in my life. To me, they feel very limited however, that is why I never talk about them here. I will try to though. One thing that my therapist always bug me about is to try to embrace and focus on the positive side of things. I am complete shit at doing so because when you live with the issues and trauma like I have and still do, it is damn near impossible to stay positive. BUT, I will try!
Some of the things that I will mention here have gone bad but that is not the point, it is the experience in itself that counts, right? (look at me being positve and shit, yay!) Lets see. Where do I begin? Hmm... 
Well, one thing that stands out to me the most is that I actually met someone. After almost two years of being single as a pringle I finally got on Tinder, matched and met that certain somebody. I did not expect anything for it to become and end the way that it did but yeah. Life is unexpected like that I guess. The person made me feel alive again. Something I have not felt in a long time. I was very shielded and kept close to myself before him but after seeing him, that sort of changed. I fell, I actually fell too damn hard and too fast. He made me feel butterflies, he made me feel beautiful, empowered, sexy, strong and confident. He made me feel like a woman again. Cliché, I know, but I swear it is true. All those things I had not been in touch with for a while. It is usually the other way around when I met someone, that I empower them and such, that is. Both men and women. It happens very rarely that I get to be on the other end of that. It was nice for a change. He, in a strange way, inspired me. He made me want to be a better version of myself for myself. Yes,  he just had that type of energy to him. He was the most exciting thing in my life for a good while. He was beautiful, charming as hell and a creative soul. This all probably sounds like a waltz on roses, and yes, it was for a while... Up until it wasn't. He changed, or should I say, his true side came forward after a couple of months. I was to blind to see it. You know, the whole love makes you blind bs, yup, that happened. Later on I was heartbroken and took me a good year to get over it. I am over it today and that year has been like a Dantes Inferno. Another positive thing, I finally got over it and I got over him. So it went in the order of good, bad then good.

Another great thing that has happened is that I've  got a set of new friends and amazing memories that keeps me warm in my heart. I have had amazing conversations, good laughs and an overall great experience with most. That is a lot thanks to my school. I also have had great teachers that always believed in me and pushed me through the hardships. I had one particular teacher that always believed in me and fought so hard to make me keep going to school, especially in times when it got rough, he kept pushing me through all of it. I will eternally be grateful for it.
I also managed to met a therapist last year that is good and that I have my meetings with every often. Those  are rare and  hard to find and it has been a long journey that itself to get one. But I finally did and I still am in touch with him and I always work on myself and my mental health. Even though it is really hard right now, it still feels good and actually safe, to know that I have that type of professional help at hand. I just have to learn to trust the treatment. Me, being a sceptical, since forever lol,
Last but certainly not least, I lost some friends that just turned out to be toxic. It is actually a positive thing to me. It certainly make life a lot easier and no one deserves or need that type of negativity in their lives to be honest.  Now I am in a happy place with the friends and people that I have around me in my life right now. Some have even came back into my life and things are better than ever. I can honestly say, I couldn't be happier about it. That is the one aspect of my life that is going good and is not tainted so far. I guess that will be all for today. Take care, I am sending positives vibes on your way. 

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

I Am Still Alive (ish)

Wow. Last time I did a blogpost was almost 2 full years ago. The last post that I did was on 1st December 2017. Now it is June 30th 2019. Holy crap, where the hell do I even begin? I wanted to make a post from time to time. I opened the tab, stared at it then just shutted it down. I have no clue where to begin to be completely honest. Just thinking about it makes me  overwhelmed. Where have I been, what have I done during the time of my absence, how does my life look right now, how am I today, where am I today etc. I wish I could just write it all down, but it is too much. A lot has of things have happened. My life is the same more or less but I am not, which in turn changes the view of ones life that itself, doesn't it? So, can I even say that it is the same when I am not the same person anymore? I can say one thing is for certain, I am changed. Still deciding if it is for better or for worse. I want to say worse since I have developed other types of mental illnesses. Before I used to have anxiety, depression and panic attacks. Now I have anxiety, depersonalization disorder, derealization, agoraphobia and slight PTSD. Yup, when you thought shit couldn't hit the fan anymore than what it already have, well, here we are! Yay :)
On a positive note, I managed to get through school. I studied up my grades and other things for 2.5 years and now in May I was done. It has not been an easy task at all by any means. Not the studying itself but everything that has happened during that time. I have been through some real challenges and they have broken my former self into this new one. My living situation is the same, it has been worse but it is better, however it isn't good either. I have lost close friends, I have been betrayed by people, I have been used and abused emotionally. I have been in and out of psych ward because of mental breakdowns here and there. Been on and off medication that has made me feel even worse than what I already am. My stress level is at 100% all the time nonstop, every single minute, hour and day of my life. It has been for a few years but it is worse now more than ever. The majority of it though is just in my own head. That is the worst part of it and I can't stop it no matter how hard I try and believe me, I have tried everything from therapy, meditation and sex. Yes, even that. It just doesn't work. Sometimes I am afraid to lose it completely. I am terrified 24/7 because of it. I try to keep my shit together every wake moment I have and it is honestly so exhausting. I am terribly tired all the time and I feel completely drained by the end of the day. It is an evil circle to break free from. Especially if you want change, you need to make them happen but in order for them to happen, you need the energy to get started and there is where I am lacking, extremely. Just going through the motions of the day is an entire struggle in itself. I have needs, hopes and dreams but I am too tired to give a damn about any of them at this point.  It feels useless most of the times whenever I try and believe me, I have tried. I am slipping away from my life, myself and everyone around me. I can feel it and actually even see it. I just don't care about anything anymore. All my passions that I once had are gone as well. Nothing stimulates me or makes me happy. Everything is just so... Bleak. Nothing drives me really at the moment. I just live day by day now and somehow, hopefully, this will go away and I will be at least fine again.

I used to have tons of pictures of me.  I accidentally rebooted my phone recently, so all of my pics that I have taken the past two years, are  gone. Here is one at least that is not horribly old. 

Friday, December 1, 2017

I Am Not Well.

Hi sweethearts <3

Long time no see. That is what I say more or less everytime, right? Well, even for me, I have been more inactive than ever. Last update was June 26th 2017. It has been 6 months since my last update. Yet, here I am. I wonder, why am I here? The past year or two have been really hard for me to write about my emotions. I know I have  a hard time talking about them but writing has never been an issue until now. Hence the EXTREMELY lack of update. I know you readers have an amazing tendency to stick around despite my lack of posts but I have noticed that even you have grown tired of waiting. I don't blame you. I have abandoned my blog for half of year. I am sorry. I don't even know where to begin. I wish I had written about more happy things in life here on my blog. But I don't. It makes me wonder. Why is it like that? I know the answer. I am not happy. My life is not good. I know at the same time I have no right to complain. There are people being sold, raped, beaten, evicted, living in the streets, starving etc and here I am and feeling sorry for myself? It makes me feel worse than what I already do tbh. I feel guilt and shame to think my life is empty, cold and hollow when there are probably someone, out there in the world, wishing to have my life instead of theirs.

So much has been happening and at the same time nothing has changed. That is it. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. The thought of that itself makes me not want to continue with my life. It frightens me also because I want to live and I want to live my life to the fullest but all I get is pain. My mentalhealth is crumbling to ashes and  dust. I honestly don't have the strength to even continue to live this way. I don't feel happiness anymore. Not even in the small things in life. That is what has kept me going. The tiny flecks of light in the dark. They are diminished. Thinking about the future is impossible. I don't see it. I am afraid of me and for others. I wish I was more and enough. I wish I was a better friend, a better sister, a better person in general. I can't be there for anyone anymore. Even if I try it doesn't feel genuine. They want comfort and happiness in their gloom moments and I can't provide it anymore since I am drowning in it myself. I can't bring myself to even fake a smile just to give them some peace of their minds. They don't deserve to have someone like me. They deserve someone better.

I don't cry. I can't cry. I can't feel happiness either. Everyone keeps saying your time will come but I know better. I am so alien to them in so many ways I can't even begin to name them. I am so empty and lifeless. I just exist. I don't even know what for anymore. The things I found joy in has withered. That is also why I distans myself. I don't know why. I have a sick feeling in my gut it is for something very terrible and to keep them from getting hurt. I don't answer the phone even though it has been buzzing nonstop today. I just can't.
I relate to moments and situations no sane person would do. It scares me. I can't even talk about half of those stuff or even right them down.

I am tired. I am crushing and this time and don't think I will end up standing anymore. I don't feel love, sadness, happiness or anything no more. Only fear for myself and others like a terrible dread poising my veins with every inhale and exhale.

Monday, June 26, 2017

I Deserve Better.

Hi sweethearts <3 

How are y'all doin? If you ask me, I am a bit better since the last time I posted. I am struggling but it has been a lot easier than usual after my last blog post. I am sitting here with some thoughts on life that I wanted to share with y'all and also clarify some things. I saw a post on a Facebook group that I am in and that sort of inspired me to do this post because I started to think of my situation in life and how much I could relate to how this person was feeling in that persons post in the group. It is about defying your depression / anxiety. If you do not life with anxiety or depression you will never know what it is like to deal with on everyday basis. I am sorry, but it is the truth. If you have experienced depression or anxiety in your lifetime (everyone has at some point) it is not the same as living with it, everyday. The struggles never ends, they just get lesser on good days but you always fight against it, ALL. THE. TIME. That is what it is and you just sorta... Learn to deal and live with it.
 However, it is not just that simple as it sounds. The worst thing that I (who suffers from mental issues) hear someone say "just do it, nothing will happened, you just need to get over it", that shit triggers me sometimes to no end. My answer to that is "I know" usually because I cannot be bothered to say "Well Helen, I be damned, why oh why didn't I think about that before? Thank you, you have cured me! You are a genius". Honestly, it is not that easy... If I could , don't you think me and many others would have just gotten "over it"?

Please think before you speak. 

Another thing is that some days I cannot even leave the apartment. The days when I do get out just to do a simple errand is a huge deal for me, When I go to school I feel proud of myself for actually defying my demons in my head. They never leave, they are just quite sometimes but their presence is always there. Let me tell you that I do want to do so much with my life. I have so many dreams that I want to achieve. I want to live my life to the fullest, be careless and free as I once was. I don't want to be filled with fear and paranoia and angst. I want to travel the world, trust the kindness of strangers, make new connections, come home in the early hours, go on adventures. I want to do all of these things with the bottom of my heart but my demons makes it impossible. I am tired of fighting it all the time, I truly am...
 I still do but I am afraid that one day that won't be enough. I am so so so tired of being afraid all the time. I am tired of my anxiety controlling me as if my life is not hard and shitty enough as it already is. I don't want to be a burden to anyone so that is why I keep my shit for myself. Like, I do talk to my friends but it doesn't help, they barely listen sometimes and then they wine on and on about why I never talk to them and what the problem is and my answer to that my friend is - "well guess 3 times, you are the problem" when they ask that question. I am sick of lying in the comfort of others. I am sick of caring about their emotions and convenient more than my own while they have no issue shitting on my problems and minimize them. Are they even true friends or are they using me just so their life quality can get better and they can feel better about themselves and then leave when I have helped them sort out their fucking problems and then they just leave me to my own, as usual. I don't expect someone else to get my life together but for fuck sake, does it literally kill you to actually listen to my problems for 30 min when I have heard you moan about yours for hours ? Idk man, I am just done. I am at a point in life where I turn every corner and every stone upside down. I have enough shit on my plate and I DO DESERVE BETTER. I am a good friend, appreciate it or get the fuck out of my life. It is that simple.

Anyway, all anger and angst aside, here are some selfies that I have from my photoshoot - 

Dare to love yourself, especially when no one else will, do it even harder. Know your worth and don't let anyone tell you what to feel or whatnot <3

Tuesday, June 20, 2017


Hello sweethearts <3

It has been literally a month now since I updated. A lot has happened, as usual. I have a lot of feelings I want to share since I am in such a sharing mood. Since the last time I wrote here I have summer break now, got it at the end of May, during this time I have been meeting friends and relaxed. With that also comes something negative. Of course. Because it is me we are talking about. Lets try to start from the beginning. I have been feeling so weird as of lately, not the regular anxiety that I am used to, something else have bubbled up to the surface and I am not even sure myself what that "it" is. The thing kind of scares me shitless, keeps me alert all the time, wake at nights and is a drain source to my energy. I started to feel that way since April, it started out slowly, I can almost pinpoint when it started. I think I am a lot more traumatized than I realize. I know, I got issues, plenty of them as well, never did I however imagine it as being a form of trauma. I have been feeling a lighter version of PTSD, I truly believe so. Since I know what has triggered it I can almost say for certain that is what I think I am experiencing. I feel an "unreal" emotion all the time, like I am de-attached to reality. I am stressed literally over EVERYTHING, I am not even exaggerating when I say that. I might look calm to you on the outside but trust me, there is a war going on inside of my mind all the time. It even got to the point I couldn't be in school for certain days or even times of the day, I just couldn't. I wanted to avoid everyone at every cost. I got super paranoid.

 Why is that? Honestly, I don't know. My life as of lately has been treating me ok, it is not bad, it is not good, it is alright. So why the stress, why am I in such a void all the time, why all the paranoia?
It is simple, I have no control over my own life. I am stressed because of the future, I am stressed out mostly because my older sister (biggest source to my trauma) is coming soon home and is going to birth a child here which only will lead to disaster (previous experience, please check my latest blogpost if you are new here) and when I think of the time she lived here and I was alone with her and my older brother while my mother was away shoots my anxiety up to the rooftop. I cannot shake away that feeling, the tornado that is approaching and I am stuck, I cannot run, how much I try I just won't budge as I am seeing it approach me closer and closer and it gets bigger and bigger and will engulf my entire mind and soul any second. That is literally how it feels. This feeling has become such a nauseous that I can't even distract myself anymore like I usually do, that is hanging out with friends and watching a nice movie / show. It doesn't help anymore. It is terrifying. I decided 2 weeks ago since I had psychosis (nothing that I have experienced before) that I need professional help, again. I have not seen anyone for over a year if not more now and after everything with my sister I have not talked to anyone professional and I thought it was time to take control of my emotions since this is spiraling out of control. Now a see a therapist 1 time a week, I will see her until August and so far I have had 2 sessions with her and I am finally opening myself up, for real. Usually when I see a therapist I never ever talk about my upbringing, my childhood and early teenage years.

I have so much shit happening in my life that I sort of focus on the problems that are active and ahead, never once have I talked about my past in details. Not even here on my blog either. My childhood is just a rough subject to me to talk about. That is why I decided to build up the courage and finally talk about it. I am feeling lighter already but also anger, sadness, hurt. Those emotions I have worked so hard to devoid myself of for many years (which lead to my anxiety) are coming up to the surface. I am hurt, very hurt. My family is also the source to this, that is why it hurts so much. Not some random or outsider, no. My own flesh and blood has damaged me. Whenever people talk about how they would do anything for their family, I don't relate or understand. I never had that, even though that was my biggest wish in life since a child. I had never had that close bond with anyone, perhaps with my father but he is dead now. That itself is another story for another day. Also I might finally write out about my childhood and me growing up here on the blog in the future, I am not sure, I am still deciding on that.

The reason I am writing all of this now is because I almost fainted today when I was going to see my therapist. I got help of course and my faith in humanity is restored, it is strange, that a couple of people completely unknown to me cared more than my own mother when I told her about what happened today. She didn't even ask or listen. That hurt me so much. Complete unknown people have more sympathy than she will ever be able to provide. I realize she has a lot of issues herself. I have talked to my therapist about this and my family in general and I realized they never truly cared about me. My friends have been more family to me than my own flesh and blood. It is crazy. I know that this post is so out of place and I jump from one thing to another, I have had a lot of trouble focusing as of lately as you can tell. I don't want to write or think anymore, I am just gonna leave it at that. I am tired. Thanks for reading if you have made it this far. I love you. <3

Monday, May 8, 2017

Scenery ~

Hi my lovely sweethearts , how are y'all doin? <3 

I know it has been a hot minute since the last time as posted (as usual) but I have been pretty busy with school and life in general, a lot has happened, for the most part it has been good but lately not so much. Things might take a turn very soon and I can feel that, it is always like this, whenever I have something good going, something bad comes along and has to ruin it or make it hard for me. I've had a lot of anxiety lately because I feel in a not so far future that something really bad will happen. If you have watched my vlog that I did about my entire year of 2016 then you will know what I am about to say. My sister will probably move back home again and this time she is pregnant, again... Now, if you are not a follower of mine or have not watched the video you will probably be thinking why is that such a bad thing? Well, just watch the video or scroll a bit in my blog and you will know why...

Seriously, it sucks, now that I am finally starting to build up something for myself and putting together the broken pieces of me will all be just in vain. Not only that, I am searching for an apartment high end and low right now but where I live it is damn near impossible to get one in my city. I feel so stressed. I am also trying to find work which is hard since I have my studies and the work that I finally found wants me to more or less quit school if I want to start working there and to me that is not even an option even though I am in a desperate need of work. If I have a job then the chances of getting an apartment increases a lot. The time, in all honesty, the time is my enemy in everything right now. The situation at home is somewhat ok but it feels like an eye in a storm, a shit show is bound to happened and you can feel it in the air, all that tension. I just want to get the hell out of here for my own well being before that happens but it is kind of unavoidable and that thought scares me. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know what to do honestly.

There is something about this pic that is very alluring but unsettling at the same time.

Now - all of these things are the reason why I feel the way I do. I have not been able to relax one bit and that have made me feel horrible. I was laying in my bed, listening to some music and trying to tune out the thoughts. I felt anger and hatred to the world, why is it like this? why does this happen to me? what have I ever done to deserve this? why does everyone around me always in a better place then I do ? where did I go wrong? All of these questions are spinning around in my head over and over again. All of a sudden, I envisioned a scenario in my head, where I literally went insane from everything and also suicidal that I was put in a hospital. All of my friends and family were there for me but it wasn't comforting, at all, if anything, it enraged me. I was livid. The reason for that being is simple, they just don't understand. In that moment, something hit me in this scenario, someone, completely unknown passed me, someone like me if not far worse. I could see and feel their pain in their eyes, I just felt calm of a sudden and wanted to give that person a hug, tell them that I DO UNDERSTAND you are not alone! That is when I felt it, the longing to the others, that I KNOW there plenty of people around me and the world that feels somewhat similar to what I feel and going through hardships and are suffering in silent as I do and worse. I wanted to cry so bad but no tears came. The thought was so heartbreaking. I want all of these people to know that I love them, I really do, just for breathing and existing.  In that moment, I calmed down. All of my emotions suddenly didn't feel so bad and the anxiety slowly started to dissipate. We are all truly struggling but in the end all that everyone needs is someone to understand them and I do.

 I love you. 

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Pink Is Power ~

Hi sweeties !! How are y'all doin'? <3

Me, I am fine, just having a bit of a cold, AGAIN. I don't know what the hell is up with my immune system but either way it seriously sucks. I have so much studies to do and catch up on at the moment but nooo, instead, I am taking plenty of photos lmao. I had this idea in my head since I got my pink hair but didn't have the time around to get to do this but finally, here is some new pics. I've been on a roll with taking pictures lately. I do have photography from Wednesday to Friday each week all days throughout the holiday that will be around April 10th. Brushing up on my photograph skills is actually so good, I really do enjoy this course.

Anywho, I don't have much to update y'all on so here is some new pictures -

Pink hair, Don't care..