Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Damaged.


Hello sweethearts <3

It has been literally a month now since I updated. A lot has happened, as usual. I have a lot of feelings I want to share since I am in such a sharing mood. Since the last time I wrote here I have summer break now, got it at the end of May, during this time I have been meeting friends and relaxed. With that also comes something negative. Of course. Because it is me we are talking about. Lets try to start from the beginning. I have been feeling so weird as of lately, not the regular anxiety that I am used to, something else have bubbled up to the surface and I am not even sure myself what that "it" is. The thing kind of scares me shitless, keeps me alert all the time, wake at nights and is a drain source to my energy. I started to feel that way since April, it started out slowly, I can almost pinpoint when it started. I think I am a lot more traumatized than I realize. I know, I got issues, plenty of them as well, never did I however imagine it as being a form of trauma. I have been feeling a lighter version of PTSD, I truly believe so. Since I know what has triggered it I can almost say for certain that is what I think I am experiencing. I feel an "unreal" emotion all the time, like I am de-attached to reality. I am stressed literally over EVERYTHING, I am not even exaggerating when I say that. I might look calm to you on the outside but trust me, there is a war going on inside of my mind all the time. It even got to the point I couldn't be in school for certain days or even times of the day, I just couldn't. I wanted to avoid everyone at every cost. I got super paranoid.

 Why is that? Honestly, I don't know. My life as of lately has been treating me ok, it is not bad, it is not good, it is alright. So why the stress, why am I in such a void all the time, why all the paranoia?
It is simple, I have no control over my own life. I am stressed because of the future, I am stressed out mostly because my older sister (biggest source to my trauma) is coming soon home and is going to birth a child here which only will lead to disaster (previous experience, please check my latest blogpost if you are new here) and when I think of the time she lived here and I was alone with her and my older brother while my mother was away shoots my anxiety up to the rooftop. I cannot shake away that feeling, the tornado that is approaching and I am stuck, I cannot run, how much I try I just won't budge as I am seeing it approach me closer and closer and it gets bigger and bigger and will engulf my entire mind and soul any second. That is literally how it feels. This feeling has become such a nauseous that I can't even distract myself anymore like I usually do, that is hanging out with friends and watching a nice movie / show. It doesn't help anymore. It is terrifying. I decided 2 weeks ago since I had psychosis (nothing that I have experienced before) that I need professional help, again. I have not seen anyone for over a year if not more now and after everything with my sister I have not talked to anyone professional and I thought it was time to take control of my emotions since this is spiraling out of control. Now a see a therapist 1 time a week, I will see her until August and so far I have had 2 sessions with her and I am finally opening myself up, for real. Usually when I see a therapist I never ever talk about my upbringing, my childhood and early teenage years.

I have so much shit happening in my life that I sort of focus on the problems that are active and ahead, never once have I talked about my past in details. Not even here on my blog either. My childhood is just a rough subject to me to talk about. That is why I decided to build up the courage and finally talk about it. I am feeling lighter already but also anger, sadness, hurt. Those emotions I have worked so hard to devoid myself of for many years (which lead to my anxiety) are coming up to the surface. I am hurt, very hurt. My family is also the source to this, that is why it hurts so much. Not some random or outsider, no. My own flesh and blood has damaged me. Whenever people talk about how they would do anything for their family, I don't relate or understand. I never had that, even though that was my biggest wish in life since a child. I had never had that close bond with anyone, perhaps with my father but he is dead now. That itself is another story for another day. Also I might finally write out about my childhood and me growing up here on the blog in the future, I am not sure, I am still deciding on that.


The reason I am writing all of this now is because I almost fainted today when I was going to see my therapist. I got help of course and my faith in humanity is restored, it is strange, that a couple of people completely unknown to me cared more than my own mother when I told her about what happened today. She didn't even ask or listen. That hurt me so much. Complete unknown people have more sympathy than she will ever be able to provide. I realize she has a lot of issues herself. I have talked to my therapist about this and my family in general and I realized they never truly cared about me. My friends have been more family to me than my own flesh and blood. It is crazy. I know that this post is so out of place and I jump from one thing to another, I have had a lot of trouble focusing as of lately as you can tell. I don't want to write or think anymore, I am just gonna leave it at that. I am tired. Thanks for reading if you have made it this far. I love you. <3







Monday, May 8, 2017

Scenery ~


Hi my lovely sweethearts , how are y'all doin? <3 

I know it has been a hot minute since the last time as posted (as usual) but I have been pretty busy with school and life in general, a lot has happened, for the most part it has been good but lately not so much. Things might take a turn very soon and I can feel that, it is always like this, whenever I have something good going, something bad comes along and has to ruin it or make it hard for me. I've had a lot of anxiety lately because I feel in a not so far future that something really bad will happen. If you have watched my vlog that I did about my entire year of 2016 then you will know what I am about to say. My sister will probably move back home again and this time she is pregnant, again... Now, if you are not a follower of mine or have not watched the video you will probably be thinking why is that such a bad thing? Well, just watch the video or scroll a bit in my blog and you will know why...




Seriously, it sucks, now that I am finally starting to build up something for myself and putting together the broken pieces of me will all be just in vain. Not only that, I am searching for an apartment high end and low right now but where I live it is damn near impossible to get one in my city. I feel so stressed. I am also trying to find work which is hard since I have my studies and the work that I finally found wants me to more or less quit school if I want to start working there and to me that is not even an option even though I am in a desperate need of work. If I have a job then the chances of getting an apartment increases a lot. The time, in all honesty, the time is my enemy in everything right now. The situation at home is somewhat ok but it feels like an eye in a storm, a shit show is bound to happened and you can feel it in the air, all that tension. I just want to get the hell out of here for my own well being before that happens but it is kind of unavoidable and that thought scares me. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know what to do honestly.

There is something about this pic that is very alluring but unsettling at the same time.

Now - all of these things are the reason why I feel the way I do. I have not been able to relax one bit and that have made me feel horrible. I was laying in my bed, listening to some music and trying to tune out the thoughts. I felt anger and hatred to the world, why is it like this? why does this happen to me? what have I ever done to deserve this? why does everyone around me always in a better place then I do ? where did I go wrong? All of these questions are spinning around in my head over and over again. All of a sudden, I envisioned a scenario in my head, where I literally went insane from everything and also suicidal that I was put in a hospital. All of my friends and family were there for me but it wasn't comforting, at all, if anything, it enraged me. I was livid. The reason for that being is simple, they just don't understand. In that moment, something hit me in this scenario, someone, completely unknown passed me, someone like me if not far worse. I could see and feel their pain in their eyes, I just felt calm of a sudden and wanted to give that person a hug, tell them that I DO UNDERSTAND you are not alone! That is when I felt it, the longing to the others, that I KNOW there plenty of people around me and the world that feels somewhat similar to what I feel and going through hardships and are suffering in silent as I do and worse. I wanted to cry so bad but no tears came. The thought was so heartbreaking. I want all of these people to know that I love them, I really do, just for breathing and existing.  In that moment, I calmed down. All of my emotions suddenly didn't feel so bad and the anxiety slowly started to dissipate. We are all truly struggling but in the end all that everyone needs is someone to understand them and I do.



 I love you. 

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Pink Is Power ~


Hi sweeties !! How are y'all doin'? <3

Me, I am fine, just having a bit of a cold, AGAIN. I don't know what the hell is up with my immune system but either way it seriously sucks. I have so much studies to do and catch up on at the moment but nooo, instead, I am taking plenty of photos lmao. I had this idea in my head since I got my pink hair but didn't have the time around to get to do this but finally, here is some new pics. I've been on a roll with taking pictures lately. I do have photography from Wednesday to Friday each week all days throughout the holiday that will be around April 10th. Brushing up on my photograph skills is actually so good, I really do enjoy this course.

Anywho, I don't have much to update y'all on so here is some new pictures -



































Pink hair, Don't care..

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Knight Of Ren Inspiration


Hi sweethearts <3 

How are y'all doing? I am good, well, I sorta feel sick but other than that I am great. I have a holiday now so I am free this entire week and then school starts again next week.. Not super excited about that tbh but there is one thing I am very excited for when it comes to my school, I will be having photograph lessons towards the summer I think. Honestly, I am soo stoked about that. I am trying to take pictures and sometimes they turn really good and other times, not so much. I did however snap a few today and I am pleased with how they turned out. I always had this idea in my head of this look and then FINALLY I did it. If you all didn't know this (which I HIGHLY doubt) I am a huge Star Wars fan and in particular, a fan of Kylo Ren which plays the villain in the latest Star Wars movie The Force Awakens. I seriously LOVE Kylo Ren and I find him truly fascinating, there is something about him as a whole that makes me so intrigued by him. I have a thing for villains I have noticed throughout the years but I find them a lot more interesting because they have a complexity that is much more appealing to me rather than your good ol' superhero.

Anywho, in the movie he has a team of people that works for him that are called the Knights Of Ren and Kylo Ren being the master over Knights Of Ren. They are all ofc the darkside and are super badass and all of them dress scary and dark.  I love that about them of how they look and such and this was my idea if I was in the Knight Of Ren I would probably go for a look like this, something dark, sultry and smokey. The color schemes are black and red on the eyes and the dark lips adds an eerie feeling to the entire look. This is my interpretation of Knights Of Ren makeup look.








Yay for great quality pics woop !


BTW - I noticed my domain was expired since a week back and that is why when you went onto this blog everything was gone. I just fixed it and I hope you still come back and don't think I ditched the blog. If I would ever do so I would first of all let you know way ahead in good time and second I wouldn't delete it, I will ever delete the blog. I can imagine myself far away in to the future that I would private it but that is nothing you should feel concerned about now. This blog is still gonna run for at least a couple of years more. It was simply a technical error, I am still here y'all and I would never leave like that without giving you a notice first. <3 



Friday, February 17, 2017

Chameleon At Full time


Hi sweethearts ! how are you all? <3 

Today is going to be a blog post, don't worry lol. It is Friday today but in all honesty I don't feel like going out or doing ANYTHING besides chilling in my bed, clean a little bit then do some pamper evening routine since it was AGES ago and dear lord how I need it!
Especially after being so stressed out in school with all the studies and short deadlines. Now when I think about it, I haven't really had the time of taking care of my self like scrubbing the body, do a hair and face mask, tan and even using my damn moisturizer, like wtf?
I do however have a hard time using body lotion during the winter time since it is so bloody cold and it is already freezing enough to get out of the shower and get dressed, I will freeze EVEN MORE if I apply my body lotion and wait for it to dry while dying slowly from frostbite lmao. I think everyone who lives in a colder climate can totally relate to this problem, I am way better of taking care of my skin during summer than winter tbh which should be the other way around since your skin is so dry during winter and needs all the extra care it can get. Lmao, did I just wrote about body lotion for these past minutes? Yes you did jawa. 

ANYWHO - This week has been so damn stressful and a big clusterfuck of emotions. Just when I felt great and everything was going so well then OF COURSE it just HAD to happened something. I mean, nothing has actually happened but it is you know those little things in your everyday that just builds up and then you start to stress over it and then all of a sudden your anxiety levels are at their peak. It's like, I really want to write it out here but I know some people I know will not take it as a good thing and honestly the last thing I need is drama starting from their ends and sometimes you just gotta learn to keeps things shut and for yourself which is one of those things.
Let me just say, I really love my real friends and it makes me see how much they love and appreciate me for who I really am and that means literally the world to me. <3 

Also here are some pictures I have taken lately, this makes me realize how different I always look, my classmates are a bit confused every time they see me and it makes me laugh every time as well :)



Regina Georges sista from another mista #meangirl
Princess Bubblegum Vibes, woop ! 

Unprepared picture that actually turned out pretty OK

me and my nr 1 ultimate babe Nicole, love you lots <3 

<3

<3

Taken 2 days ago

Christmas time
Christmas time, was really feeling the vintage vibes that day for some reason

Me with silver hair, also, the first time trying the wig


This is what I actually look like normally FYI *laugh crying emoji*

I hope y'all are satisfied now with the amount of selfies and update because I have some studies to get done with. TTYS :*