Saturday, August 4, 2012

this is a f*cked up thought!

I am laying here in my bed and thinking..

I do want to get healthy, I wanna quit smoking and drink and be that boring school girl that only cares for herself. I don't know why it is like that, for me, I define it as a "normal" life, even though I hate it.. I cannot stop wondering what it would actually be like for a change.

But then, whenever I think like that I start to think of all kinds of crazy shit, like weed, alcohol, just flying all the time and have no worries, fuck everything you know.. Being non-sober.
I hate it, but I still love it, it kind of gives me a rush, make me the funny person that I am and everybody loves. The thing is, I know I am very young, I do not have so much life experience, I am more of the type that lives for the moment. Sometimes, it feels like it is to much of the good stuff aka bad things that is not good for my health.

I feel how it scracthes inside of my lungs after the nicotin and something else, I feel that my veins wants to have some company with vodka so that they can dance through my body and all the way up to my head, then boom, I am gone.

I don't want to feel like this is some awesome feeling, it is actually really affaul. I get sad when I think about it, that a horrible thing like that can be so great. I can almost hear a voice in my head that is begging to me to not stay sober, wants to make some stupid sorry ass crazy shit, it is like my brain and my body are always in a fight.

But the body wins most of the times, for now, I have no choice, I let the brain decide. 

Oh, btw, I got fire red hair now, pictures will come up and I am going to gay pride tomorrow with an old friend, more of that later.

I am off to sleep.

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