Friday, December 21, 2012

an open letter to you

Hello dear readers,

As you all may have noticed that the update on my blog has not been good, at all.. Honestly, the reason why it has been like this is because I am very ill..

Not only physical but also mentally.. There have been days that I had lost all the joy of living.. Yes, it has been that bad. I have visited doctors and they can't really find what's the problem with my physical health and that has been very frustrating to not know what is wrong with you body and you always feel ill and there is nothing you can do about it.

I have even had anxiety, horrible panic attacks that I litterally felt that I was about to die.
I have also been very close of calling the ambulance once since things got worse than what it already was/is.

you cannot really imagine what I've been through, that is the reason why I haven't been updating and because I have been sick for like a month now CONSTANTLY. I lay behind in school, which is stressing the f*ck out of me and doesn't make anything easier.

I am trying, like really trying hard, I don't want to be ill anymore. I want to be healthy again, I miss my old self, I feel like I am lost inside of me and everything is just swirling around me all the time. It is like a ride that never stops..

Sorry for this depressing post but I want to be honest and tell you what is up and why I have been acting weird lately. Since I have been feeling like crap I have not even kept in touch with my friends as I used to. It is like I am isolated from the world and living my own shitty bubble that I can't break from..

But I will not quit, I am a strong person, always has been. It is not until now I actually feel weak, it feels awful to admit it since I am a very strong character as a person.
I will get healthy, someday I will. Especially mentally, I want to kick the demon anxiety and the beast panic..

how it feels on the inside sometimes..

anxiety and panic..

If I don't, I really do believe that this will be the end of me. That frightens me..

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