Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I Think I Know What I Want To Do With My Life..

Funny thing about life, everything is about money, education, having an apartment, good job, perhaps a family, get married, work at a boring job until the day you die and you honestly call that happiness?

Yesterday I met my best friend Kimberly, I haven't seen her for over 7 months since she moved. We started to talk about life, what really makes you rich and and what I want from this short time I have on earth. I wasn't thinking so much about it until now even though we talked about it for hours.
Right now I am sitting here, smoking my cigarette 7 o'clock in the morning and just thinking, about life, my future, what I want to do.

Honestly, I have been into makeup for some time, I want to work with it, but at the same time, that isn't really my life goal. I don't have any goals here in life. I am always tired, not motivated to do ANYTHING and I think I just came up with the reason why.
Everything that I burnt for, my passions, my plans and EVERYTHING is dead and gone. It died with my father, because all of my plans that I had I had it with him. He would've helped me with all of it, we discussed it for YEARS and I almost had it all figured out, it was just some details in my future plan that needed to be fixed, then I was set to go. Live my life as I wanted to and be happy.

I am not happy, I don't know what to do with my life and as it looks like right now, this is certainly not something that I want or have ever planned for me. I AM SICK of living this way, is this really all I have, in my life?? Is this called living..?? I don't know. Worst part is that I don't even feel motivated enough to do anything about it. That is why I am lazy, that is why I am the way I am, I don't want to do anything that I am "suppose to do". I feel so fed up with all this bullshit and nonsense that EVERYONE is feeding me with. You have to do this or else you can't do that. Then here is my question, why the fuck not?

I am a girl who has always walked my on path, these past 2-3 years, I have followed others path, done what everyone else have been telling me to do and not do. Honestly I don't even know what I want when someone ask me that question of what I want to do with my life, but is it so fucking wrong to not know what I want?? Why is it such a hurry about EVERYTHING?

I believe in faith, I believe in destiny and I believe that everything is happens for a reason. Today, I visited a girl's blog that I've been following but I haven't been reading it for a while. I see that she sold everything she had, even rented out her apartment that she fighted for just to travel the world and experience life. She is not rich, she is just an average girl that lives in a smalltown here in Sweden and she said "fuck it, lets do this" and I can see that she is really happy.
To me, it felt like a sign somehow, because why did I see that right after having the conversation with my bestfriend about life and material things that won't last and real happiness and life isn't about money you have in your pocket that makes you rich, it is actually life experince that makes you really rich here in life?
Because when you are older and looking back, you should feel happy, you don't get happy by thinking of  all the meaningless crap that you've bought during your years here on earth, you look back at all the wonderful people you met, the experiences, both the good and the bad, what you have learned and how you have grown from the inside as a person.

When I read her blog, she said "I have an apartment, I have my friends and I have everything that I need but why do I still feel empty inside, like something is missing?" That sentence really kicked me in my butt, lol.
No but seriously, I am sooo afraid that I will sit there one day and feel the exact same way. That is why I want to do something.
Before my father passed away, before drugs, before graduation and before all the crap I had to deal with, my biggest goal and passion here in life was to move. Not just move away from home, move to another country, start to find myself for real and learn, see the world and grow as a person.
I don't know, I am honestly considering selling all my stuff,  take a risk and do what I planned in the first place. Just go away..

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