Monday, August 17, 2015

Suffocation


 Hi sweethearts, this is gonna be a post that might be a trigger, if you are sensitive, please don't read this... 

Right now I feel like I really need to vent out. I am literally on the verge of crying just that... I can't, I seriously can't get it out, I feel how it hits me like waves and washes me over on and on and it never ends, I feel like I am being suffocated and I keep on drowning in all my thoughts and emotions but I just can't keep up and I can't get out of it. I want to scream until my lungs run out of the thin air I am already receiving, rip my vocal chords and vomit out all the negativity all at once. I have no one to talk to, I want to write out everything that I used to do here on my blog but I seriously can't ! I can't even let out everything on how I feel on the one place that I've always could because someone will take it the wrong way, too literal or take it to offence. It also feels like some will feed of my negativity and be happy about it just because they might discover my blog and some have, some people irl that I do not want to know about my blog since it is my diary, my sanctuary and the only place that keeps my sanity in check, can pry in anytime. It is an intimate part of me, this is where I can fully expose myself and feeling free while doing so and I can't even do that just because some people will use it against me , thrive on my "weaknesses" and eat it like the sin  gluttony. I just don't want them to have that satisfaction. I don't know, it has been so much going on these past days and I am at a breaking point right now, my emotions are way too strong to keep bottled up and everything is exploding inside. I feel angst, sorrow, paranoia, pain, loath, misery and depression all at once. I feel hate, I feel sadness and also emptiness, like a hole in my soul that I never seize to fill up  no matter how much I  try. I am walking around with this hollow in my chest, knot in my stomach and venom in my blood that is boiling itself through my body slowly and destroying everything in it's way.

Whats wrong with me? Is this me going absolutely batshit insane? Is this my last push from sanity to insanity? Maybe. Sure as hell feels like it.  



Saturday, August 15, 2015

MIXED MOOD -


Hi sweeties <3 

Sitting with bleach in my hair so I thought why not update a little. I don't feel so well right now, there are a few reasons so I let pictures speak for themselves, they can describe how I feel in more ways than thousand of words would. I don't feel  like talking about it either... Just trying to think of something else or at least distract myself so I am gonna get everything out of how I feel here so I can go on with my day since I have a lot to do. Love you all and take care of yourself, yes you, who are reading this. <3 









Monday, August 3, 2015

Answering 102 questions (brutally honest, as usual)


Hi sweeties <3 

It was such a long time since I did any posts like this when I am answering loads of questions completely honest. I know I have done them like 3 times here on my blog but since I feel that I have changed a bit over the year(s) this will be interesting to see how much different my answers are to these sort of questions to the ones I have answered before.


Lets get started ;) - 



1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? Yes
  • 2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? I don't actually know to be completely honest, it depends on how mature that person is and if we are on the "same level" if that makes any sense
  • 3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? Yesterday I think 
  • 4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? No, because when you live here in Sweden and if you do that you are either a creep or flirting... But since I am going to London I might do that, people are a lot nicer there and not so shy / cold in London as they are in Stockholm in general 
  • 5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? No, not really, at least not that I know of 
  • 6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? Hmm... Strange, today I haven't even listened to music when I think about it :O 
  • 7. What exactly are you wearing right now? a top and panties 
  • 8. How often do you listen to music? Everyday except for today when I decided to answer these questions, creepy.... 
  • 9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? I wear jeans, "jeggins" and leggins a lot but when I am home I always wear sweats, so equally as much I guess
  • 10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2016? Maybe, life have been taking weird turns these past months so it wouldn't surprise me , I hope it is a good dramatic change though
  • 11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? Both, it depends on my mood really but once I get comfortable with you and / or in a good mood I can be very social, otherwise I like to remain in solidarity 
  • 12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?yes 
  • 13. What about ‘R’? yes
  • 14. Can you drive a stick shift? whats that?
  • 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? if it is someone I know and is a friend yes but otherwise no 
  • 16. Are you going out of town soon? yes, going to London baby ;)
  • 17. When was the last time you cried? few weeks ago...
  • 18. Have you ever told someone you loved them? yes
  • 19. If you could change your eye color, would you? I am actually getting comfortable with my brown eyes but before I wanted like ice blue eyes or gray ones
  • 20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for? yes, i think so  <3
  • 21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.  The oxygen in my room sucks, not even the fan or window helps, maybe this will be my last memoir, lol kiddin'
  • 22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? yes
  • 23. Are you dating the last person you talked to? yes
  • 24. What are you sitting on right now? my bed
  • 25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? yes <3
  • 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn't have? yup... Benedict Cumberbatch, I am watching you O_O  
  • 27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? My BF
  • 28. Do you get a lot of colds? Not so much lately but otherwise yeah
  • 29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? No idea
  • 30. Does anyone hate you? Probably, haters gonna hate ;)
  • 31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? in fact I do
  • 32. Do you like watching scary movies? no not really but I can watch them, sometimes it is hilarious to make fun of them when they are stupid (which is 90% of the times)
  • 33. Do you want your tongue pierced? no but I want to split it 
  • 34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? 2013
  • 35. Did you have a dream last night? yes, it was weird, my boyfriends snoring gave me nightmares
  • 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? today
  • 37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? idk, maybe 
  • 38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? yeah
  • 39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? maybe 
  • 40. Did you have a good day yesterday? yes, the best in a long time :)
  • 41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? yes, am in one currently :)
  • 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? idk, I don't really hang out with girls , only have very few ones that I am in touch with but I have mostly guy friends 
  • 43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? yes
  • 44. What’s the best part about school? for me it was my classmates
  • 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? lol yes what sort of question is that 
  • 46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? when I was in middle school
  • 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? yes, sometimes a bit too much...
  • 48. Were you single over the last summer? yeah but this summer I am in one
  • 49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? no , it is actually better now believe it or not 
  • 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now? nothing
  • 51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? no
  • 52. Are you nice to everyone? I have good manners so yes, I am polite but nice is not the word I would actually go for... As soon as you are a little bitch to me I cut you off my life , no need for poison here
  • 53. Have you ever liked someone you didn't expect to? yes
  • 54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? well yeah, loyalty is a big deal to me
  • 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings? yes, I can be very good at it 
  • 56. Do you think you like someone? I do 
  • 57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? yes
  • 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? boys
  • 59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? yes
  • 60. Do you hate anyone? I hate everyone lol
  • 61. How’s your heart? better but a bit bruised up from the past but it is still going strong 
  • 62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? yes.
  • 63. Have you ever cried over a guy? yes unfortunately
  • 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? Idk 
  • 65. Are your toenails painted pink? no
  • 66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? no 
  • 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct? No it is heartbreaking, for realz. Guys have a hard time showing deep emotions in that sort of way but when they do, I can't bear to watch :(
  • 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? noo...?
  • 69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? i don't remember 
  • 70. How do you look right now? casual AF
  • 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? yes, my bestfriend :)
  • 72. Can you commit to one person? yes
  • 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? yes
  • 74. Have you ever felt replaced? no, not really, no one can replace me, even if they try.
  • 75. Did you wake up cranky? no 
  • 76. Are you a jealous person? yes because what is mine is mine and I do not share, not against my will anyways
  • 77. Are relationships ever worth it? yeah, I think so
  • 78. Anyone you’re giving up on? no, not anytime soon :)
  • 79. Currently wanting to see anyone? yeah
  • 80. Name something you have to do tomorrow? need to go to the laundry room and book a date ;)
  • 81. Last person you cried in front of? my BF
  • 82. Is there someone you will never forget? well it is hard to forget certain people for various reasons so I guess no not really 
  • 83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? yes and no 
  • 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? chilling 
  • 85. Are you over your past? I think I am, sure I still got scars that will never fade away completely but I am not living in my past anymore which I remember I had a tendency to do all the time and you know what I learned from it? It will keep you from moving on to something better and you will never move forward so sometimes you just gotta late go, push yourself out of the evil circle and don't use your past as an excuse because trust me, it turns real quick in to a bad habit.
  • 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? Never, I have a strict line between, friends - family - close friends - love - strangers , never mix any of them up, EVER.
  • 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? yes :)
  • 88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? I would take the presents then slam the door in that fuckers face, like #boybye
  • 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? yes ofc :)
  • 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? yes.... Hahah, that was an awkward stage in my life 
  • 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months? Yes, as I said many times, I am currently in one right now and it better 
  • 92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? No, not really, I have probably met someone that names Michael but I dont actually know anyone in person. I really like that name though, always have :)
  • 93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? no
  • 94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? No, I wasn't in a relationship until 20 april (4/20 höhÖ)
  • 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? yes, with that person now :)
  • 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? yeah
  • 97. Who do you have texts from? To lazy to look but friends, BF and BFF 
  • 98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? that would hurt, I wouldn't say so much tbh.
  • 99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? yes
  • 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? only me
  • 101. Ever kissed under fireworks? yes 
  • 102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? yes 






If you want to and thought this was fun you can see my answers to these exact same questions that I did right now but when I did them back in february 2013, you can see them HERE 
If you want to see me answer 92 questions read -  HERE or 85 questions - HERE , all of them I did in 2013 with months in between and I must say that was the craziest time of my life... Hope you liked it and I talk to you all soon, take care now <3