Monday, August 17, 2015

Suffocation


 Hi sweethearts, this is gonna be a post that might be a trigger, if you are sensitive, please don't read this... 

Right now I feel like I really need to vent out. I am literally on the verge of crying just that... I can't, I seriously can't get it out, I feel how it hits me like waves and washes me over on and on and it never ends, I feel like I am being suffocated and I keep on drowning in all my thoughts and emotions but I just can't keep up and I can't get out of it. I want to scream until my lungs run out of the thin air I am already receiving, rip my vocal chords and vomit out all the negativity all at once. I have no one to talk to, I want to write out everything that I used to do here on my blog but I seriously can't ! I can't even let out everything on how I feel on the one place that I've always could because someone will take it the wrong way, too literal or take it to offence. It also feels like some will feed of my negativity and be happy about it just because they might discover my blog and some have, some people irl that I do not want to know about my blog since it is my diary, my sanctuary and the only place that keeps my sanity in check, can pry in anytime. It is an intimate part of me, this is where I can fully expose myself and feeling free while doing so and I can't even do that just because some people will use it against me , thrive on my "weaknesses" and eat it like the sin  gluttony. I just don't want them to have that satisfaction. I don't know, it has been so much going on these past days and I am at a breaking point right now, my emotions are way too strong to keep bottled up and everything is exploding inside. I feel angst, sorrow, paranoia, pain, loath, misery and depression all at once. I feel hate, I feel sadness and also emptiness, like a hole in my soul that I never seize to fill up  no matter how much I  try. I am walking around with this hollow in my chest, knot in my stomach and venom in my blood that is boiling itself through my body slowly and destroying everything in it's way.

Whats wrong with me? Is this me going absolutely batshit insane? Is this my last push from sanity to insanity? Maybe. Sure as hell feels like it.  



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