Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Today I feel a little bit blue. I have been feeling sort of.. burned out to be honest with you. I always have had some sort of fight in me even though things are shitty I am still going strong and fighting but right now I am not so sure about it. I have been trying my best and I mean like REALLY trying my hardest to get through all of it but somehow I just feel like I am too tired to fight it anymore. I can't cry even if I want to, I can't scream I can't do anything. For the first time in a very long time I feel nothing, which scares me even more than to actually feel. To feel nothing, just pure emptiness is 100x way worse than feeling depressed / angsty. I can't remember when it was the last time I felt like this. If you remember reading my blogpost "re-evaluate" I mentioned that I was going to see a school guidance and it went as I thought it would go, shitty. I am applying to different kind of jobs still and my jobcoach that I am seeing now isn't doing so much , feels more like the otherway around. I am SO DONE AND TIRED of things working against me ALL THE TIME, I am not even exaggerating when I say that. If you are reading this now I can bet my money that you are thinking "you are not doing enough", "put some more effort to the things you do", "this is a phase it will pass", " you are being negative", "stop complaining, it won't do a shit for you", "you just gotta keep on working harder and harder" , " you don't do anything", you are just lazy af" etc. - I AM SICK OF YOU ALL TELLING ME THIS, WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL WHAT I FEEL? LET ME FEEL WHAT I FEEL AND LET ME BE!
You don't understand what I am going through so you have NO RIGHT to judge me, walk in my shoes first then we can talk. I had a friend of mine that was going through the things that I do for 1 month, even my friend was like "I don't understand, I was going insane for a month and you have been there for years now, I don't understand how you can go through all of this..."- yes I know and it isn't as easy as it looks like is it? I am not mad, I am happy that my friend actually finally somehow understood me in the end, but in all seriousness , 90% of people around me do NOT get this. I get hurt and discouraged when people say weird shit like the things I wrote above, it isn't helping me and it makes me feel more like shit as a human being, I feel USELESS. Nothing can cheer me up now, I know that talking to someone helps a lot but honestly, at this point it just isn't doing the trick for me anymore. I am just talking away my life while everyone else is living it, why am I soooo special that I am not allowed to have the basic right and privileged to live my life as well?? Why do I have to work 1000x harder than everybody else? where is my reward? when will I find some peace? I am always stressed out, sad and irritated. I am just so tired, I can't even remember when the last time I was truly happy. I am not happy. I am depressed AF. I feel like I will never get anything here in life no matter how hard I am trying and how hard I am fighting, I don't see the future being bright and I don't have any hopes or dreams anymore. I am empty, I am not living , I am just breathing and having a functional body but I am NOT living my life as I should be doing. I seriously don't see the point anymore, I am for the first time in a year if not more, feel suicidal. Not the type when you are just sad and go like "oh I wanna kill myself I don't wanna live" in te moment thing and it will pass, no, this is legit. I feel a weird calm , a solace, peace, release and joy by thinking about it... I have never been for suicide, trust me, but now when I am sitting here I am seriously consider it as an option, my last exit. I don't know what to do anymore. Sorry for being so morbid and sound so dramatic but I am not shitting you right now, I am serious and if you want to take this serious or not that is up to you. I am just gonna leave it at here.
Upplagd av Jawa kl. 10:57 PM
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Hi sweeties <3
Did another video for you, as you might tell there is a difference in my mood, in this video I am much more awake and alert, lets dig in to my bag and see what we got inside ;)
Also please subscribe to my channel, I will have better video quality since I've fugured out how to use my HD camera and will do a lot more videos like GRWM , chit chats, talking about life in general and so on and so forth. Maybe even doing reviews, so check my channel out HERE
Friday, September 18, 2015
Hi sweethearts ! <3
As I mentioned in my earlier post, I wanted to make a video blog / vlog because I thought about it long and hard and now I cannot stop. I think it is so much fun to make these videos, I am going to even make one right now !! I will be uploading it to my youtube channel so subscribe to my channel if you want to see it first ;)
Otherwise I will upload it here tomorrow but if you feel like you cannot wait check out my youtube channel called jawavoncherie, I will pop up if you search for me. Please subscribe, it would be so sweet of you since I just started making videos on my channel I don't exactly have any followers there... So if you could show some support it would be awesome and it would make me more motivated to do videos, if that is what you would've want to see / watch here on my blog as well. Click HERE to get directly to my channel. I also have a youtube button at top of the blog which will lead you to my channel as well.
- BTW, I was super tired when I made this video so I am sorry if I sound so off, I was on the verge of falling asleep, promise though I will not be as tired in this video in my next one :*
Here it is -
That freeze picture though...
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Hi sweeties, how are you all doing? <3
If you would ask me I would say that I have a bumpy road ahead of me. When I came back from London everything seemed fine for a while there but then I've noticed things been going down and pretty quickly without me even doing anything besides trying to keep up with everything but somehow , oh the sweet salty irony so called life just decided to stir in the pot for me... I didn't get the job... Which sucks big time ! I don't understand, I am trying not to get bitter over it either but how come that EVERYONE I know gets the most simple job just by applying to it and not lifting a finger but when I do it and like literally going all in I don't get a shit? Honestly it feels very unfair, I fight SO HARD to get a job and I apply to all kind of different ones but I don't get anything, not even contacted... But when anyone other besides ME do that they get the job as easily as an blink of an eye, I just can't wrap my head around it...
Also , another super unfair thing happened to me which I so did not deserve but of course, if you are me you are cursed for life of bad luck and that has dragged me down even more.. I am really trying to keep my shit together and try to be positive but it is SO HARD, especially when I get crap for what I do not deserve to get for... I am mad and a bit bitter , yes. Will I get over it? No, not really but I will try. I have been thinking, what if I just stop giving a fuck so much and stop trying so hard and actually do what I want to do?? I mean I am unemployed and as it looks like I won't be getting a job anytime soon so meanwhile I might do something like YouTube. I know that Halloween is coming up so how about doing something fun for you my followers and making a tutorial ? Maybe even regular videos like get ready with me? I might even start to video blogging, not that my life is so rich and things happen all that much but it would be more like you hanging out with me on an basic day and I get to talk to you more in-depth about whatever is on my mind.. I don't know, I have a lot of ideas but the only thing that keeps me away from doing it is 1. my camera doesn't have an auto focus unfortunately and 2. I get kind of shy and awkward 3. I feel kind of uncomfortable talking English to a camera in my own home because that might rise questions from my brother and he will think I am crazy which leads to point 2. I might even start to paint again and I mean like taking classes or something just to get out there and meet other art interested people would be fun. I want to also start to photograph. Honestly I got so many ideas but I don't know where to begin and I lack kind of motivation to even get started with any of it. I want to but then when I am about to I just go "meh.". You know what I am sayin'? Or is it just me being really weird ? (as usual..)
I am going to meet a school guidance tomorrow and see where my chances are there, I met another one not to long ago but she didn't work for the community and she gave me pretty bad news so I've decided to deal with this issue once and for all and talk to the ones who in the community and are the head of knowledge and are the ones who are taking care of applications for school etc. and see what they have to say. I am apparently a hard case to crack so I think they are the ones with the answers to my questions and my job coach are going to join me tomorrow so we shall see how it goes.. I also need to talk to my job coach about certain recent events that I am not pleased with and see if she has any suggestions and might help me with my issues that I am experiencing at the moment.
Wish me luck babes and I talk to you soon, take care now. :* <3
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Hi sweeties <3
How are you all doing? I recently got home, I was actually in London for an almost an entire week and came home late last night back to Sweden and went straight to my boyfriends house because we went on this trip together. I slept the night there and now I am finally home, in my own bedroom , with my own computer in my own bed and just chilling. The trip down there has been amazing as expected, I seriously LOVE London, omg did so much shopping !! Oxford Street is the best. The hotel we were staying at was nice and the food was delicious. I felt like I really needed that trip since it has been going on so much lately in my life, it has been pretty stressful and I have had loads of stuff so I felt like this is really what I needed to re-boost my energy back and give myself some peace in mind by giving it a rest. I was so busy that I didn't even take 1 single picture while I was there compared to before when I was the last time there. I tuned out THAT much. I couldn't give a less damn about anything while I was down there because let's get real, I got down there for a reason and that reason is to shut out all the stress and drama and just focus on my well being. It worked like a charm ! :)
I am feeling kind of exhausted because it has been a long day since the flight back and I am kind of feeling jet lagged at this point. Things at home are going great, it was seriously a pleasant surprise when I got back because I got my mind set to "here we go again..." but then it turned out to be something way better, I am really feeling the positive vibes in my home for the first time in MONTHS maybe even YEARS. This time I can really feel the change for something better and it is here to stay, at least for a good while and just that thought makes me so relaxed and happy, I feel kind of excited for the future now. That is something I haven't either been experiencing in a while so that is awesome. I even might have a job soon, I've been to a job interview and I even got something cooking up in that pot as well so yeah. It is all good. <3