Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Done.


Hi sweeties,

Today I feel a little bit blue. I have been feeling sort of.. burned out to be honest with you. I always have had some sort of fight in me even though things are shitty I am still going strong and fighting but right now I am not so sure about it. I have been trying my best and I mean like REALLY trying my hardest to get through all of it but somehow I just feel like I am too tired to fight it anymore. I can't cry even if I want to, I can't scream I can't do anything. For the first time in a very long time I feel nothing, which scares me even more than to actually feel. To feel nothing, just pure emptiness is 100x way worse than feeling depressed / angsty. I can't remember when it was the last time I felt like this. If you remember reading my blogpost "re-evaluate" I mentioned that I was going to see a school guidance and it went as I thought it would go, shitty. I am applying to different kind of jobs still and my jobcoach that I am seeing now isn't doing so much , feels more like the otherway around. I am SO DONE AND TIRED of things working against me ALL THE TIME, I am not even exaggerating when I say that. If you are reading this now I can bet my money that you are thinking "you are not doing enough", "put some more effort to the things you do", "this is a phase it will pass", " you are being negative", "stop complaining, it won't do a shit for you", "you just gotta keep on working harder and harder" , " you don't do anything", you are just lazy af" etc. - I AM SICK OF YOU ALL TELLING ME THIS, WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL WHAT I FEEL? LET ME FEEL WHAT I FEEL AND LET ME BE! 

You don't understand what I am going through so you have NO RIGHT to judge me, walk in my shoes first then we can talk. I had a friend of mine that was going through the things that I do for 1 month, even my friend was like "I don't understand, I was going insane for a month and you have been there for years now, I don't understand how you can go through all of this..."- yes I know and it isn't as easy as it looks like is it? I am not mad, I am happy that my friend actually finally somehow understood me in the end,  but in all seriousness , 90% of people around me do NOT get this. I get hurt and discouraged when people say weird shit like the things I wrote above, it isn't helping me and it makes me feel more like shit as a human being, I feel USELESS. Nothing can cheer me up now, I know that talking to someone helps a lot but honestly, at this point it just isn't doing the trick for me anymore. I am just talking away my life while everyone else is living it, why am I soooo special that I am not allowed to have the basic right and privileged to live my life as well?? Why do I have to work 1000x harder than everybody else? where is my reward? when will I find some peace? I am always stressed out, sad and irritated. I am just so tired, I can't even remember when the last time I was truly happy. I am not happy. I am depressed AF. I feel like I will never get anything here in life no matter how hard I am trying and how hard I am fighting, I don't see the future being bright and I don't have any hopes or dreams anymore. I am empty, I am not living , I am just breathing and having a functional body but I am NOT living my life as I should be doing. I seriously don't see the point anymore, I am for the first time in a year if not more,  feel suicidal. Not the type when you are just sad and go like "oh I wanna kill myself I don't wanna live" in te moment thing and it will pass, no, this is legit. I feel a weird calm , a solace, peace, release and joy by thinking about it... I have never been for suicide, trust me, but now when I am sitting here I am seriously consider it as an option, my last exit. I don't know what to do anymore. Sorry for being so morbid and sound so dramatic but I am not shitting you right now, I am serious and if you want to take this serious or not that is up to you. I am just gonna leave it at here.



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