Saturday, November 7, 2015

Single but not ready to mingle.

Hi sweeties <3 

I know it has been almost 3 weeks since I updated my blog but a lot of things has happened, both really good and really bad stuff, especially this week, it has been very tough... I didn't know if I was even capable to do this blog post but I am gonna try. If you don't know this already, me and my boyfriend broke up, this was on Tuesday and it has been 4 days now since we broke it off... I have a very hard time talking about it and I wasn't sure if I was gonna say anything here or write it out but I think that might help, at least for me a little bit. I am not going to bash him, this is not a hate post, this is what I feel about the whole situation and my thoughts on it. The break-up was very horrendous, it ended on really bad terms, officially the worst break-up I have ever been through and I mean emotionally. We have had arguments some days before and I honestly felt that he wanted to call of things for some time but wasn't sure and he was just looking for a reason to fight so he could break-up. Also, I know that his family never really liked me, I tried, omg how I tried to make them like me but they just never wanted us to be together and I feel a lot is their fault that this actually happened. In our last argument he  turned it into a huge fight for no reason, I just wanted to see him that day since it was been a while since we saw each other last and I worked without any breaks so that I just could see him, I even called him the same day and he had over 3 hours to do his "stuff" and all it ended with me being bashed by him and harassed by him and his family for NO REASON, I just wanted to see him and he said he had to do some paper work and stuff and I said to him that I wanted to see him ASAP because I even worked my ass of at my job to quit earlier to see him and I didn't think it was ok especially when he had 3 hours to do his "paper work" and I know it doesn't even take that long, he could have done all of it the next day when he woke up since he didn't have any work the next day but instead he insisted on taking it on "our time" and he got mad at me for me being sad over it and he didn't even acknowledge the fact that I busted my ass for him to quit earlier to see him, I got noooo recognition or appreciation for it what so ever and that made me boil but I tried to still keep it cool and we argued back and forth and then he got SO mad at me and started to act like a baby when I wanted to be the adult and he had no reason at all to be mad at me, if someone who should be mad, it was me, but I dropped it and he kept going on and on and on and on... Remember, this was also my first day at my new job and if you have been following me for some time now I was been out of work for 2 YEARS and I had my first day and he didn't give a FUCK about it and made me sad and upset and feel like shit instead JUST BECAUSE I WANTED TO SEE HIM, how fucked up isn't that? Yeah, as I said, I think he just wanted a reason to break-up. Anyways, he in our little pointless argument dragged in his family and I can bet my money on that they were telling him to write this and that during our conversation (this was on facebook chat) and he didn't even want to talk to me over the phone to work things out, he admitted to me that he showed his family our conversation and they agreed with him and that if I didn't stop calling him (the reason I called was because I wanted to solve things over the phone, not over some stupid chat) he said his father would answer it (?!?) for him and tell me off. I was like wtf and then I went from sad and hurt to ANGRY , I was like that is IT. He must have noticed it and then he said we would talk about it the day after  and here is where things get interesting. I went to my work as usual the next day but I just couldn't shake of this INSANE anxiety and it was building up and I had to supress it the entire day just because I knew I would see him later on, I think I knew we would break-up but didn't wanna realize it at the time or else I would have cried and this was my second day at my new work so I just ignored it and went on as usual.

Later on I meet him towards the evening, he came over and we started talking. I told him what my problem was and tried to make him understand and he tried to tell me his problems about me then I was like ok we can move on from this and fix it but he then said he couldn't take it anymore of all the negativity that we have been through the past days and called things off between us. I was in such denial because I was so in love with him and if you truly love someone you try to fix things but he didn't feel the same and he said he didn't see a future with me anymore and I started to beg and cry and then my mom came in to the room and said he had to leave and he did. I tried to run after him but my mother stopped me in the hallway and I was screaming and crying for him not to leave me and when he left and slammed the door I got completely hysterical. I cried and screamed at the top of my lungs and had such a horrible panic / anxiety attack, it literally felt like I was dying. My mum comforted me and I called my friend Sandra while I was crying my eyes out and she immediately came over and then I calmed down and we talked through it. The days after that I got so much support from my friends and I have been distracting myself. Me and him will never be together again, if you walk out on me like that there is no going back. My friends and family are quite angry with him tbh but they have their reasons, they know about the entire situation but as myself, I don't wish him any harm and I wish him rather all the happiness and luck in the world. I know I deserve better and so does he but we were just not meant to be. This is the last time I will ever talk about this ever again, I only wish me and him had a better closure but it is what it is..

Right now I will focus on finding myself again and I want to be alone, I am not looking for love. I am gonna focus on my work, be with my friends and be happy so I am single, but not really ready to mingle... But one day soon maybe, I will not close myself up, I am keeping my heart open but right now it needs to recover and I need to heal from all of this drama. Thank you, for all of you who have been there for me and supported me, it helps a lot more than you think. Take care of each other. <3