Sunday, December 20, 2015


Hi sweeties <3 

How are you all doing? For me, I am fine, better actually since my last blogpost. I mentioned there that I was going to a meeting it it went well. That made me relax a little bit more. The only downside right now is stuff at home, the frustration at my family is legitimately very real. They are seriously so stupid and ignorant sometimes, like why are you not working with me instead of working against me? I am not your enemy here idiot. Why makes things sooo complicated when there is no need for that at all? It is just soo provoking to me, like making shit over and over and over again and right after each other, when one unnecessary problem is solved it doesn't go 24 hr the next one is at the door knocking, like wtf? How hard is it to not get yourself in trouble? For what end? For what good does it make ? ARGH. I am sorry, I just needed to get that out of my chest. #girlwhoalwaysrant #butthatiswhatweareherefor #right? 

Anyways, enough about that. Now Christmas is coming. I am not in the Holiday spirit, like at all... I might do some fun Christmas look but I am not going to celebrate it this year (omg say what?!?), yes, you read that sentence right. It really isn't that big of a deal to me, or at all actually, if you are in the spirit for Christmas, that is truly wonderful but for me, not so much this year. I am just gonna be at home, it will be like any other day for me really, AND I AM FINE BY THAT, NO I DON'T HATE CHRISTMAS, NO I AM NOT DEPRESSED AND THAT IS WHY I DON'T CELEBRATE IT THIS YEAR, NO I AM NOT MORE CRAZY THAN USUAL. THANK YOU.
This is just before you get any ideas, there is really no reason to it at all, I am not gonna celebrate, simple as that and I am happy about that choice.
New Years will be different though this year, I am going to celebrate it with completely new people this year and I am kind of excited. I think it will be a very chill NY evening and I need to get a new dress though... I am not gonna go fully out this year with my outfit as I did last year since that was in total vain. If you cannot remember New Years was a complete disaster for me last year so that got me very turned off by the whole idea. But since this year is going to be completely different people from last year I think it will turn out great, I don't wanna jinx things so let's just say I hope it goes well. ;)

Later in January I will go to a hairdresser aka one of my closest friends to fix my hair, YASSS GURL. I am super excited since I am going to try Olaplex for the first time, it is going to be very exciting to see how that works. Also my hair is a complete mess right now, it looks awesome in pictures but irl it has a lot of yellow tones since I had my hair highlighted before all the highlighted parts are white but the ones who is not highlighted is yellow-ish and in comparison to the white hair strands it looks even more yellow than what it already is, UGH. I tried to fix it myself for the longest time by buying tons of hair professional products made for blonde hair and made for cancelling out the yellow tones (it wasn't cheap, so was more or less broke bc of it after that) but nothing worked. It wasn't until then I finally caved in and decided that I will go to a hair saloon and let someone professional fix it. Honestly I should have just went to the hairdresser from the beginning with the amount of money I've spent on products for nothing I could have just used those to get it fixed once and for all by a professional. So much wasted time and money for nothing. Well, not completely for nothing, I have learned my lesson, if you can't fix your hair at first try don't even bother, just go to the hairdresser, TRUST ME, it will save you money in the long-run, energy and the health of your hair. I wish I wasn't as stubborn as I am sometimes..  In summary, I am super pumped to get my hair cut, colored / bleached and treated, gonna look gansta AF . ;)

Also, as you may have noticed, I've changed the header of the blog since I felt the last one was a little outdated. The pictures that I will include in this blogpost are my most recent ones and are some that I've used in my header , so enjoy :*


Sunday, December 6, 2015

Brace Yourselves, The Winter Is Here.

Hi sweethearts, how are you all doing?? <3 

I am sorry for being inactive (as usual) but honestly ever since my latest blogpost a lot of things has changed. I don't have the job anymore, it just didn't work out at all so that is something that didn't go as planned.. So I am back on track on work applications again, wohoo... Well it is not as bad as it sounds, I am quite used to it at this point so whatever. Another thing is that the winter is here and with the winter comes being cold, tired and the darkness. I really feel it taking a toll on my mind and body and it sucks, I hate winter. It gets me all depressed, more depressed than usual and  that is like really bad, lol. I am seriously contemplating my life, I have no clue right now of what I wanna do. I don't have a job anymore, I have changed my sleeping routine upside down so I sleep off the entire day and I am awake all night. I need money but in order to have that I need a job so my financial status is not at it's best shape right now and that is making me really stressed and honestly that is what keeps me up at nights. I don't even dare to think about the future at this point, I avoid it completely. My friends are somewhat where I want them to be, they also have a lot on their plate right now and going through their own shit so I don't wanna bother them with my crap and they have at this point gotten the hint and sort of feel the same way so I believe they've taking their distance away from me and I really don't know how I feel about it. I feel sort of indifferent all the time lately, I don't feel either happiness or sadness, I feel stressed out and angst (nothing strange there for me) but I cannot truly feel happy or sad and that frustrates me. I don't know exactly of what I feel and I hate to not knowing where I've got myself.

I feel sort of lost in a limbo of thoughts and emotions and I am trying to find a switch but I can't because I am walking blindly through a big dark room with stuff everywhere and I hit / hurt myself on all the stuff since they are obstacles and it gets annoying eventually and that annoyance keeps building and building and building and I just don't know what to do except to run around like a crazy women in the dark, falling over and over again on stuff just to find that goddamn switch. I am not gonna lie, things have been good, or as good as I am concerned 1,5 month after my latest blogpost, it wasn't upon 2-3 weeks ago that shit went downhill again and which I am sitting in that stupid shithole right now and trying to figure a way out.
There are so many things I wanna do here in life but all of it costs money more or less which I don't have and my biggest fear is that I am going to get stuck where I am for the rest of my life. My friends keeps telling me that is is a phase  but I know it is  not, especially when you have tried for 2 years and almost 3 now and you dont get anywhere while they have work, driving licenses, apartment, going to school etc and I am here just trying to find a job and can't even manage to get that, with or without help. So yeah, I am a bit bitter since things always work against me, ALWAYS. I am trying sooooo fucking hard to stay positive but at this point it is impossible. I know that NO ONE around me would be able to stay positive if they went through what I go through now. No one. So yeah if I want to complain, LET ME, it is my goddamn right to do so and you can't tell me otherwise or just to be positive and stop being negative unless you are sitting in the same shithole as I am. End of story.

Sorry you guys but no good news for you at the moment, keeps your fingers crossed that my meeting on Tuesday goes well, at least then I will feel some sort of hope and even get some motivation to move forward from there because man, i need it right now, more than ever. 

I sure hope so cheshire, I am counting on you! >:C