Hi sweethearts, how are you all doing?? <3
I am sorry for being inactive (as usual) but honestly ever since my latest blogpost a lot of things has changed. I don't have the job anymore, it just didn't work out at all so that is something that didn't go as planned.. So I am back on track on work applications again, wohoo... Well it is not as bad as it sounds, I am quite used to it at this point so whatever. Another thing is that the winter is here and with the winter comes being cold, tired and the darkness. I really feel it taking a toll on my mind and body and it sucks, I hate winter. It gets me all depressed, more depressed than usual and that is like really bad, lol. I am seriously contemplating my life, I have no clue right now of what I wanna do. I don't have a job anymore, I have changed my sleeping routine upside down so I sleep off the entire day and I am awake all night. I need money but in order to have that I need a job so my financial status is not at it's best shape right now and that is making me really stressed and honestly that is what keeps me up at nights. I don't even dare to think about the future at this point, I avoid it completely. My friends are somewhat where I want them to be, they also have a lot on their plate right now and going through their own shit so I don't wanna bother them with my crap and they have at this point gotten the hint and sort of feel the same way so I believe they've taking their distance away from me and I really don't know how I feel about it. I feel sort of indifferent all the time lately, I don't feel either happiness or sadness, I feel stressed out and angst (nothing strange there for me) but I cannot truly feel happy or sad and that frustrates me. I don't know exactly of what I feel and I hate to not knowing where I've got myself.
I feel sort of lost in a limbo of thoughts and emotions and I am trying to find a switch but I can't because I am walking blindly through a big dark room with stuff everywhere and I hit / hurt myself on all the stuff since they are obstacles and it gets annoying eventually and that annoyance keeps building and building and building and I just don't know what to do except to run around like a crazy women in the dark, falling over and over again on stuff just to find that goddamn switch. I am not gonna lie, things have been good, or as good as I am concerned 1,5 month after my latest blogpost, it wasn't upon 2-3 weeks ago that shit went downhill again and which I am sitting in that stupid shithole right now and trying to figure a way out.
There are so many things I wanna do here in life but all of it costs money more or less which I don't have and my biggest fear is that I am going to get stuck where I am for the rest of my life. My friends keeps telling me that is is a phase but I know it is not, especially when you have tried for 2 years and almost 3 now and you dont get anywhere while they have work, driving licenses, apartment, going to school etc and I am here just trying to find a job and can't even manage to get that, with or without help. So yeah, I am a bit bitter since things always work against me, ALWAYS. I am trying sooooo fucking hard to stay positive but at this point it is impossible. I know that NO ONE around me would be able to stay positive if they went through what I go through now. No one. So yeah if I want to complain, LET ME, it is my goddamn right to do so and you can't tell me otherwise or just to be positive and stop being negative unless you are sitting in the same shithole as I am. End of story.
Sorry you guys but no good news for you at the moment, keeps your fingers crossed that my meeting on Tuesday goes well, at least then I will feel some sort of hope and even get some motivation to move forward from there because man, i need it right now, more than ever.
|I sure hope so cheshire, I am counting on you! >:C|