Friday, December 1, 2017

I Am Not Well.

Hi sweethearts <3

Long time no see. That is what I say more or less everytime, right? Well, even for me, I have been more inactive than ever. Last update was June 26th 2017. It has been 6 months since my last update. Yet, here I am. I wonder, why am I here? The past year or two have been really hard for me to write about my emotions. I know I have  a hard time talking about them but writing has never been an issue until now. Hence the EXTREMELY lack of update. I know you readers have an amazing tendency to stick around despite my lack of posts but I have noticed that even you have grown tired of waiting. I don't blame you. I have abandoned my blog for half of year. I am sorry. I don't even know where to begin. I wish I had written about more happy things in life here on my blog. But I don't. It makes me wonder. Why is it like that? I know the answer. I am not happy. My life is not good. I know at the same time I have no right to complain. There are people being sold, raped, beaten, evicted, living in the streets, starving etc and here I am and feeling sorry for myself? It makes me feel worse than what I already do tbh. I feel guilt and shame to think my life is empty, cold and hollow when there are probably someone, out there in the world, wishing to have my life instead of theirs.

So much has been happening and at the same time nothing has changed. That is it. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. The thought of that itself makes me not want to continue with my life. It frightens me also because I want to live and I want to live my life to the fullest but all I get is pain. My mentalhealth is crumbling to ashes and  dust. I honestly don't have the strength to even continue to live this way. I don't feel happiness anymore. Not even in the small things in life. That is what has kept me going. The tiny flecks of light in the dark. They are diminished. Thinking about the future is impossible. I don't see it. I am afraid of me and for others. I wish I was more and enough. I wish I was a better friend, a better sister, a better person in general. I can't be there for anyone anymore. Even if I try it doesn't feel genuine. They want comfort and happiness in their gloom moments and I can't provide it anymore since I am drowning in it myself. I can't bring myself to even fake a smile just to give them some peace of their minds. They don't deserve to have someone like me. They deserve someone better.

I don't cry. I can't cry. I can't feel happiness either. Everyone keeps saying your time will come but I know better. I am so alien to them in so many ways I can't even begin to name them. I am so empty and lifeless. I just exist. I don't even know what for anymore. The things I found joy in has withered. That is also why I distans myself. I don't know why. I have a sick feeling in my gut it is for something very terrible and to keep them from getting hurt. I don't answer the phone even though it has been buzzing nonstop today. I just can't.
I relate to moments and situations no sane person would do. It scares me. I can't even talk about half of those stuff or even right them down.

I am tired. I am crushing and this time and don't think I will end up standing anymore. I don't feel love, sadness, happiness or anything no more. Only fear for myself and others like a terrible dread poising my veins with every inhale and exhale.

Monday, June 26, 2017

I Deserve Better.

Hi sweethearts <3 

How are y'all doin? If you ask me, I am a bit better since the last time I posted. I am struggling but it has been a lot easier than usual after my last blog post. I am sitting here with some thoughts on life that I wanted to share with y'all and also clarify some things. I saw a post on a Facebook group that I am in and that sort of inspired me to do this post because I started to think of my situation in life and how much I could relate to how this person was feeling in that persons post in the group. It is about defying your depression / anxiety. If you do not life with anxiety or depression you will never know what it is like to deal with on everyday basis. I am sorry, but it is the truth. If you have experienced depression or anxiety in your lifetime (everyone has at some point) it is not the same as living with it, everyday. The struggles never ends, they just get lesser on good days but you always fight against it, ALL. THE. TIME. That is what it is and you just sorta... Learn to deal and live with it.
 However, it is not just that simple as it sounds. The worst thing that I (who suffers from mental issues) hear someone say "just do it, nothing will happened, you just need to get over it", that shit triggers me sometimes to no end. My answer to that is "I know" usually because I cannot be bothered to say "Well Helen, I be damned, why oh why didn't I think about that before? Thank you, you have cured me! You are a genius". Honestly, it is not that easy... If I could , don't you think me and many others would have just gotten "over it"?

Please think before you speak. 

Another thing is that some days I cannot even leave the apartment. The days when I do get out just to do a simple errand is a huge deal for me, When I go to school I feel proud of myself for actually defying my demons in my head. They never leave, they are just quite sometimes but their presence is always there. Let me tell you that I do want to do so much with my life. I have so many dreams that I want to achieve. I want to live my life to the fullest, be careless and free as I once was. I don't want to be filled with fear and paranoia and angst. I want to travel the world, trust the kindness of strangers, make new connections, come home in the early hours, go on adventures. I want to do all of these things with the bottom of my heart but my demons makes it impossible. I am tired of fighting it all the time, I truly am...
 I still do but I am afraid that one day that won't be enough. I am so so so tired of being afraid all the time. I am tired of my anxiety controlling me as if my life is not hard and shitty enough as it already is. I don't want to be a burden to anyone so that is why I keep my shit for myself. Like, I do talk to my friends but it doesn't help, they barely listen sometimes and then they wine on and on about why I never talk to them and what the problem is and my answer to that my friend is - "well guess 3 times, you are the problem" when they ask that question. I am sick of lying in the comfort of others. I am sick of caring about their emotions and convenient more than my own while they have no issue shitting on my problems and minimize them. Are they even true friends or are they using me just so their life quality can get better and they can feel better about themselves and then leave when I have helped them sort out their fucking problems and then they just leave me to my own, as usual. I don't expect someone else to get my life together but for fuck sake, does it literally kill you to actually listen to my problems for 30 min when I have heard you moan about yours for hours ? Idk man, I am just done. I am at a point in life where I turn every corner and every stone upside down. I have enough shit on my plate and I DO DESERVE BETTER. I am a good friend, appreciate it or get the fuck out of my life. It is that simple.

Anyway, all anger and angst aside, here are some selfies that I have from my photoshoot - 

Dare to love yourself, especially when no one else will, do it even harder. Know your worth and don't let anyone tell you what to feel or whatnot <3

Tuesday, June 20, 2017


Hello sweethearts <3

It has been literally a month now since I updated. A lot has happened, as usual. I have a lot of feelings I want to share since I am in such a sharing mood. Since the last time I wrote here I have summer break now, got it at the end of May, during this time I have been meeting friends and relaxed. With that also comes something negative. Of course. Because it is me we are talking about. Lets try to start from the beginning. I have been feeling so weird as of lately, not the regular anxiety that I am used to, something else have bubbled up to the surface and I am not even sure myself what that "it" is. The thing kind of scares me shitless, keeps me alert all the time, wake at nights and is a drain source to my energy. I started to feel that way since April, it started out slowly, I can almost pinpoint when it started. I think I am a lot more traumatized than I realize. I know, I got issues, plenty of them as well, never did I however imagine it as being a form of trauma. I have been feeling a lighter version of PTSD, I truly believe so. Since I know what has triggered it I can almost say for certain that is what I think I am experiencing. I feel an "unreal" emotion all the time, like I am de-attached to reality. I am stressed literally over EVERYTHING, I am not even exaggerating when I say that. I might look calm to you on the outside but trust me, there is a war going on inside of my mind all the time. It even got to the point I couldn't be in school for certain days or even times of the day, I just couldn't. I wanted to avoid everyone at every cost. I got super paranoid.

 Why is that? Honestly, I don't know. My life as of lately has been treating me ok, it is not bad, it is not good, it is alright. So why the stress, why am I in such a void all the time, why all the paranoia?
It is simple, I have no control over my own life. I am stressed because of the future, I am stressed out mostly because my older sister (biggest source to my trauma) is coming soon home and is going to birth a child here which only will lead to disaster (previous experience, please check my latest blogpost if you are new here) and when I think of the time she lived here and I was alone with her and my older brother while my mother was away shoots my anxiety up to the rooftop. I cannot shake away that feeling, the tornado that is approaching and I am stuck, I cannot run, how much I try I just won't budge as I am seeing it approach me closer and closer and it gets bigger and bigger and will engulf my entire mind and soul any second. That is literally how it feels. This feeling has become such a nauseous that I can't even distract myself anymore like I usually do, that is hanging out with friends and watching a nice movie / show. It doesn't help anymore. It is terrifying. I decided 2 weeks ago since I had psychosis (nothing that I have experienced before) that I need professional help, again. I have not seen anyone for over a year if not more now and after everything with my sister I have not talked to anyone professional and I thought it was time to take control of my emotions since this is spiraling out of control. Now a see a therapist 1 time a week, I will see her until August and so far I have had 2 sessions with her and I am finally opening myself up, for real. Usually when I see a therapist I never ever talk about my upbringing, my childhood and early teenage years.

I have so much shit happening in my life that I sort of focus on the problems that are active and ahead, never once have I talked about my past in details. Not even here on my blog either. My childhood is just a rough subject to me to talk about. That is why I decided to build up the courage and finally talk about it. I am feeling lighter already but also anger, sadness, hurt. Those emotions I have worked so hard to devoid myself of for many years (which lead to my anxiety) are coming up to the surface. I am hurt, very hurt. My family is also the source to this, that is why it hurts so much. Not some random or outsider, no. My own flesh and blood has damaged me. Whenever people talk about how they would do anything for their family, I don't relate or understand. I never had that, even though that was my biggest wish in life since a child. I had never had that close bond with anyone, perhaps with my father but he is dead now. That itself is another story for another day. Also I might finally write out about my childhood and me growing up here on the blog in the future, I am not sure, I am still deciding on that.

The reason I am writing all of this now is because I almost fainted today when I was going to see my therapist. I got help of course and my faith in humanity is restored, it is strange, that a couple of people completely unknown to me cared more than my own mother when I told her about what happened today. She didn't even ask or listen. That hurt me so much. Complete unknown people have more sympathy than she will ever be able to provide. I realize she has a lot of issues herself. I have talked to my therapist about this and my family in general and I realized they never truly cared about me. My friends have been more family to me than my own flesh and blood. It is crazy. I know that this post is so out of place and I jump from one thing to another, I have had a lot of trouble focusing as of lately as you can tell. I don't want to write or think anymore, I am just gonna leave it at that. I am tired. Thanks for reading if you have made it this far. I love you. <3

Monday, May 8, 2017

Scenery ~

Hi my lovely sweethearts , how are y'all doin? <3 

I know it has been a hot minute since the last time as posted (as usual) but I have been pretty busy with school and life in general, a lot has happened, for the most part it has been good but lately not so much. Things might take a turn very soon and I can feel that, it is always like this, whenever I have something good going, something bad comes along and has to ruin it or make it hard for me. I've had a lot of anxiety lately because I feel in a not so far future that something really bad will happen. If you have watched my vlog that I did about my entire year of 2016 then you will know what I am about to say. My sister will probably move back home again and this time she is pregnant, again... Now, if you are not a follower of mine or have not watched the video you will probably be thinking why is that such a bad thing? Well, just watch the video or scroll a bit in my blog and you will know why...

Seriously, it sucks, now that I am finally starting to build up something for myself and putting together the broken pieces of me will all be just in vain. Not only that, I am searching for an apartment high end and low right now but where I live it is damn near impossible to get one in my city. I feel so stressed. I am also trying to find work which is hard since I have my studies and the work that I finally found wants me to more or less quit school if I want to start working there and to me that is not even an option even though I am in a desperate need of work. If I have a job then the chances of getting an apartment increases a lot. The time, in all honesty, the time is my enemy in everything right now. The situation at home is somewhat ok but it feels like an eye in a storm, a shit show is bound to happened and you can feel it in the air, all that tension. I just want to get the hell out of here for my own well being before that happens but it is kind of unavoidable and that thought scares me. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know what to do honestly.

There is something about this pic that is very alluring but unsettling at the same time.

Now - all of these things are the reason why I feel the way I do. I have not been able to relax one bit and that have made me feel horrible. I was laying in my bed, listening to some music and trying to tune out the thoughts. I felt anger and hatred to the world, why is it like this? why does this happen to me? what have I ever done to deserve this? why does everyone around me always in a better place then I do ? where did I go wrong? All of these questions are spinning around in my head over and over again. All of a sudden, I envisioned a scenario in my head, where I literally went insane from everything and also suicidal that I was put in a hospital. All of my friends and family were there for me but it wasn't comforting, at all, if anything, it enraged me. I was livid. The reason for that being is simple, they just don't understand. In that moment, something hit me in this scenario, someone, completely unknown passed me, someone like me if not far worse. I could see and feel their pain in their eyes, I just felt calm of a sudden and wanted to give that person a hug, tell them that I DO UNDERSTAND you are not alone! That is when I felt it, the longing to the others, that I KNOW there plenty of people around me and the world that feels somewhat similar to what I feel and going through hardships and are suffering in silent as I do and worse. I wanted to cry so bad but no tears came. The thought was so heartbreaking. I want all of these people to know that I love them, I really do, just for breathing and existing.  In that moment, I calmed down. All of my emotions suddenly didn't feel so bad and the anxiety slowly started to dissipate. We are all truly struggling but in the end all that everyone needs is someone to understand them and I do.

 I love you. 

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Pink Is Power ~

Hi sweeties !! How are y'all doin'? <3

Me, I am fine, just having a bit of a cold, AGAIN. I don't know what the hell is up with my immune system but either way it seriously sucks. I have so much studies to do and catch up on at the moment but nooo, instead, I am taking plenty of photos lmao. I had this idea in my head since I got my pink hair but didn't have the time around to get to do this but finally, here is some new pics. I've been on a roll with taking pictures lately. I do have photography from Wednesday to Friday each week all days throughout the holiday that will be around April 10th. Brushing up on my photograph skills is actually so good, I really do enjoy this course.

Anywho, I don't have much to update y'all on so here is some new pictures -

Pink hair, Don't care..

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Knight Of Ren Inspiration

Hi sweethearts <3 

How are y'all doing? I am good, well, I sorta feel sick but other than that I am great. I have a holiday now so I am free this entire week and then school starts again next week.. Not super excited about that tbh but there is one thing I am very excited for when it comes to my school, I will be having photograph lessons towards the summer I think. Honestly, I am soo stoked about that. I am trying to take pictures and sometimes they turn really good and other times, not so much. I did however snap a few today and I am pleased with how they turned out. I always had this idea in my head of this look and then FINALLY I did it. If you all didn't know this (which I HIGHLY doubt) I am a huge Star Wars fan and in particular, a fan of Kylo Ren which plays the villain in the latest Star Wars movie The Force Awakens. I seriously LOVE Kylo Ren and I find him truly fascinating, there is something about him as a whole that makes me so intrigued by him. I have a thing for villains I have noticed throughout the years but I find them a lot more interesting because they have a complexity that is much more appealing to me rather than your good ol' superhero.

Anywho, in the movie he has a team of people that works for him that are called the Knights Of Ren and Kylo Ren being the master over Knights Of Ren. They are all ofc the darkside and are super badass and all of them dress scary and dark.  I love that about them of how they look and such and this was my idea if I was in the Knight Of Ren I would probably go for a look like this, something dark, sultry and smokey. The color schemes are black and red on the eyes and the dark lips adds an eerie feeling to the entire look. This is my interpretation of Knights Of Ren makeup look.

Yay for great quality pics woop !

BTW - I noticed my domain was expired since a week back and that is why when you went onto this blog everything was gone. I just fixed it and I hope you still come back and don't think I ditched the blog. If I would ever do so I would first of all let you know way ahead in good time and second I wouldn't delete it, I will ever delete the blog. I can imagine myself far away in to the future that I would private it but that is nothing you should feel concerned about now. This blog is still gonna run for at least a couple of years more. It was simply a technical error, I am still here y'all and I would never leave like that without giving you a notice first. <3 

Friday, February 17, 2017

Chameleon At Full time

Hi sweethearts ! how are you all? <3 

Today is going to be a blog post, don't worry lol. It is Friday today but in all honesty I don't feel like going out or doing ANYTHING besides chilling in my bed, clean a little bit then do some pamper evening routine since it was AGES ago and dear lord how I need it!
Especially after being so stressed out in school with all the studies and short deadlines. Now when I think about it, I haven't really had the time of taking care of my self like scrubbing the body, do a hair and face mask, tan and even using my damn moisturizer, like wtf?
I do however have a hard time using body lotion during the winter time since it is so bloody cold and it is already freezing enough to get out of the shower and get dressed, I will freeze EVEN MORE if I apply my body lotion and wait for it to dry while dying slowly from frostbite lmao. I think everyone who lives in a colder climate can totally relate to this problem, I am way better of taking care of my skin during summer than winter tbh which should be the other way around since your skin is so dry during winter and needs all the extra care it can get. Lmao, did I just wrote about body lotion for these past minutes? Yes you did jawa. 

ANYWHO - This week has been so damn stressful and a big clusterfuck of emotions. Just when I felt great and everything was going so well then OF COURSE it just HAD to happened something. I mean, nothing has actually happened but it is you know those little things in your everyday that just builds up and then you start to stress over it and then all of a sudden your anxiety levels are at their peak. It's like, I really want to write it out here but I know some people I know will not take it as a good thing and honestly the last thing I need is drama starting from their ends and sometimes you just gotta learn to keeps things shut and for yourself which is one of those things.
Let me just say, I really love my real friends and it makes me see how much they love and appreciate me for who I really am and that means literally the world to me. <3 

Also here are some pictures I have taken lately, this makes me realize how different I always look, my classmates are a bit confused every time they see me and it makes me laugh every time as well :)

Regina Georges sista from another mista #meangirl
Princess Bubblegum Vibes, woop ! 

Unprepared picture that actually turned out pretty OK

me and my nr 1 ultimate babe Nicole, love you lots <3 



Taken 2 days ago

Christmas time
Christmas time, was really feeling the vintage vibes that day for some reason

Me with silver hair, also, the first time trying the wig

This is what I actually look like normally FYI *laugh crying emoji*

I hope y'all are satisfied now with the amount of selfies and update because I have some studies to get done with. TTYS :*