Monday, May 8, 2017

Scenery ~

Hi my lovely sweethearts , how are y'all doin? <3 

I know it has been a hot minute since the last time as posted (as usual) but I have been pretty busy with school and life in general, a lot has happened, for the most part it has been good but lately not so much. Things might take a turn very soon and I can feel that, it is always like this, whenever I have something good going, something bad comes along and has to ruin it or make it hard for me. I've had a lot of anxiety lately because I feel in a not so far future that something really bad will happen. If you have watched my vlog that I did about my entire year of 2016 then you will know what I am about to say. My sister will probably move back home again and this time she is pregnant, again... Now, if you are not a follower of mine or have not watched the video you will probably be thinking why is that such a bad thing? Well, just watch the video or scroll a bit in my blog and you will know why...

Seriously, it sucks, now that I am finally starting to build up something for myself and putting together the broken pieces of me will all be just in vain. Not only that, I am searching for an apartment high end and low right now but where I live it is damn near impossible to get one in my city. I feel so stressed. I am also trying to find work which is hard since I have my studies and the work that I finally found wants me to more or less quit school if I want to start working there and to me that is not even an option even though I am in a desperate need of work. If I have a job then the chances of getting an apartment increases a lot. The time, in all honesty, the time is my enemy in everything right now. The situation at home is somewhat ok but it feels like an eye in a storm, a shit show is bound to happened and you can feel it in the air, all that tension. I just want to get the hell out of here for my own well being before that happens but it is kind of unavoidable and that thought scares me. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know what to do honestly.

There is something about this pic that is very alluring but unsettling at the same time.

Now - all of these things are the reason why I feel the way I do. I have not been able to relax one bit and that have made me feel horrible. I was laying in my bed, listening to some music and trying to tune out the thoughts. I felt anger and hatred to the world, why is it like this? why does this happen to me? what have I ever done to deserve this? why does everyone around me always in a better place then I do ? where did I go wrong? All of these questions are spinning around in my head over and over again. All of a sudden, I envisioned a scenario in my head, where I literally went insane from everything and also suicidal that I was put in a hospital. All of my friends and family were there for me but it wasn't comforting, at all, if anything, it enraged me. I was livid. The reason for that being is simple, they just don't understand. In that moment, something hit me in this scenario, someone, completely unknown passed me, someone like me if not far worse. I could see and feel their pain in their eyes, I just felt calm of a sudden and wanted to give that person a hug, tell them that I DO UNDERSTAND you are not alone! That is when I felt it, the longing to the others, that I KNOW there plenty of people around me and the world that feels somewhat similar to what I feel and going through hardships and are suffering in silent as I do and worse. I wanted to cry so bad but no tears came. The thought was so heartbreaking. I want all of these people to know that I love them, I really do, just for breathing and existing.  In that moment, I calmed down. All of my emotions suddenly didn't feel so bad and the anxiety slowly started to dissipate. We are all truly struggling but in the end all that everyone needs is someone to understand them and I do.

 I love you.