Monday, June 26, 2017

I Deserve Better.


Hi sweethearts <3 

How are y'all doin? If you ask me, I am a bit better since the last time I posted. I am struggling but it has been a lot easier than usual after my last blog post. I am sitting here with some thoughts on life that I wanted to share with y'all and also clarify some things. I saw a post on a Facebook group that I am in and that sort of inspired me to do this post because I started to think of my situation in life and how much I could relate to how this person was feeling in that persons post in the group. It is about defying your depression / anxiety. If you do not life with anxiety or depression you will never know what it is like to deal with on everyday basis. I am sorry, but it is the truth. If you have experienced depression or anxiety in your lifetime (everyone has at some point) it is not the same as living with it, everyday. The struggles never ends, they just get lesser on good days but you always fight against it, ALL. THE. TIME. That is what it is and you just sorta... Learn to deal and live with it.
 However, it is not just that simple as it sounds. The worst thing that I (who suffers from mental issues) hear someone say "just do it, nothing will happened, you just need to get over it", that shit triggers me sometimes to no end. My answer to that is "I know" usually because I cannot be bothered to say "Well Helen, I be damned, why oh why didn't I think about that before? Thank you, you have cured me! You are a genius". Honestly, it is not that easy... If I could , don't you think me and many others would have just gotten "over it"?

Please think before you speak. 

Another thing is that some days I cannot even leave the apartment. The days when I do get out just to do a simple errand is a huge deal for me, When I go to school I feel proud of myself for actually defying my demons in my head. They never leave, they are just quite sometimes but their presence is always there. Let me tell you that I do want to do so much with my life. I have so many dreams that I want to achieve. I want to live my life to the fullest, be careless and free as I once was. I don't want to be filled with fear and paranoia and angst. I want to travel the world, trust the kindness of strangers, make new connections, come home in the early hours, go on adventures. I want to do all of these things with the bottom of my heart but my demons makes it impossible. I am tired of fighting it all the time, I truly am...
 I still do but I am afraid that one day that won't be enough. I am so so so tired of being afraid all the time. I am tired of my anxiety controlling me as if my life is not hard and shitty enough as it already is. I don't want to be a burden to anyone so that is why I keep my shit for myself. Like, I do talk to my friends but it doesn't help, they barely listen sometimes and then they wine on and on about why I never talk to them and what the problem is and my answer to that my friend is - "well guess 3 times, you are the problem" when they ask that question. I am sick of lying in the comfort of others. I am sick of caring about their emotions and convenient more than my own while they have no issue shitting on my problems and minimize them. Are they even true friends or are they using me just so their life quality can get better and they can feel better about themselves and then leave when I have helped them sort out their fucking problems and then they just leave me to my own, as usual. I don't expect someone else to get my life together but for fuck sake, does it literally kill you to actually listen to my problems for 30 min when I have heard you moan about yours for hours ? Idk man, I am just done. I am at a point in life where I turn every corner and every stone upside down. I have enough shit on my plate and I DO DESERVE BETTER. I am a good friend, appreciate it or get the fuck out of my life. It is that simple.


Anyway, all anger and angst aside, here are some selfies that I have from my photoshoot - 





Dare to love yourself, especially when no one else will, do it even harder. Know your worth and don't let anyone tell you what to feel or whatnot <3

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Damaged.


Hello sweethearts <3

It has been literally a month now since I updated. A lot has happened, as usual. I have a lot of feelings I want to share since I am in such a sharing mood. Since the last time I wrote here I have summer break now, got it at the end of May, during this time I have been meeting friends and relaxed. With that also comes something negative. Of course. Because it is me we are talking about. Lets try to start from the beginning. I have been feeling so weird as of lately, not the regular anxiety that I am used to, something else have bubbled up to the surface and I am not even sure myself what that "it" is. The thing kind of scares me shitless, keeps me alert all the time, wake at nights and is a drain source to my energy. I started to feel that way since April, it started out slowly, I can almost pinpoint when it started. I think I am a lot more traumatized than I realize. I know, I got issues, plenty of them as well, never did I however imagine it as being a form of trauma. I have been feeling a lighter version of PTSD, I truly believe so. Since I know what has triggered it I can almost say for certain that is what I think I am experiencing. I feel an "unreal" emotion all the time, like I am de-attached to reality. I am stressed literally over EVERYTHING, I am not even exaggerating when I say that. I might look calm to you on the outside but trust me, there is a war going on inside of my mind all the time. It even got to the point I couldn't be in school for certain days or even times of the day, I just couldn't. I wanted to avoid everyone at every cost. I got super paranoid.

 Why is that? Honestly, I don't know. My life as of lately has been treating me ok, it is not bad, it is not good, it is alright. So why the stress, why am I in such a void all the time, why all the paranoia?
It is simple, I have no control over my own life. I am stressed because of the future, I am stressed out mostly because my older sister (biggest source to my trauma) is coming soon home and is going to birth a child here which only will lead to disaster (previous experience, please check my latest blogpost if you are new here) and when I think of the time she lived here and I was alone with her and my older brother while my mother was away shoots my anxiety up to the rooftop. I cannot shake away that feeling, the tornado that is approaching and I am stuck, I cannot run, how much I try I just won't budge as I am seeing it approach me closer and closer and it gets bigger and bigger and will engulf my entire mind and soul any second. That is literally how it feels. This feeling has become such a nauseous that I can't even distract myself anymore like I usually do, that is hanging out with friends and watching a nice movie / show. It doesn't help anymore. It is terrifying. I decided 2 weeks ago since I had psychosis (nothing that I have experienced before) that I need professional help, again. I have not seen anyone for over a year if not more now and after everything with my sister I have not talked to anyone professional and I thought it was time to take control of my emotions since this is spiraling out of control. Now a see a therapist 1 time a week, I will see her until August and so far I have had 2 sessions with her and I am finally opening myself up, for real. Usually when I see a therapist I never ever talk about my upbringing, my childhood and early teenage years.

I have so much shit happening in my life that I sort of focus on the problems that are active and ahead, never once have I talked about my past in details. Not even here on my blog either. My childhood is just a rough subject to me to talk about. That is why I decided to build up the courage and finally talk about it. I am feeling lighter already but also anger, sadness, hurt. Those emotions I have worked so hard to devoid myself of for many years (which lead to my anxiety) are coming up to the surface. I am hurt, very hurt. My family is also the source to this, that is why it hurts so much. Not some random or outsider, no. My own flesh and blood has damaged me. Whenever people talk about how they would do anything for their family, I don't relate or understand. I never had that, even though that was my biggest wish in life since a child. I had never had that close bond with anyone, perhaps with my father but he is dead now. That itself is another story for another day. Also I might finally write out about my childhood and me growing up here on the blog in the future, I am not sure, I am still deciding on that.


The reason I am writing all of this now is because I almost fainted today when I was going to see my therapist. I got help of course and my faith in humanity is restored, it is strange, that a couple of people completely unknown to me cared more than my own mother when I told her about what happened today. She didn't even ask or listen. That hurt me so much. Complete unknown people have more sympathy than she will ever be able to provide. I realize she has a lot of issues herself. I have talked to my therapist about this and my family in general and I realized they never truly cared about me. My friends have been more family to me than my own flesh and blood. It is crazy. I know that this post is so out of place and I jump from one thing to another, I have had a lot of trouble focusing as of lately as you can tell. I don't want to write or think anymore, I am just gonna leave it at that. I am tired. Thanks for reading if you have made it this far. I love you. <3