Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Damaged.


Hello sweethearts <3

It has been literally a month now since I updated. A lot has happened, as usual. I have a lot of feelings I want to share since I am in such a sharing mood. Since the last time I wrote here I have summer break now, got it at the end of May, during this time I have been meeting friends and relaxed. With that also comes something negative. Of course. Because it is me we are talking about. Lets try to start from the beginning. I have been feeling so weird as of lately, not the regular anxiety that I am used to, something else have bubbled up to the surface and I am not even sure myself what that "it" is. The thing kind of scares me shitless, keeps me alert all the time, wake at nights and is a drain source to my energy. I started to feel that way since April, it started out slowly, I can almost pinpoint when it started. I think I am a lot more traumatized than I realize. I know, I got issues, plenty of them as well, never did I however imagine it as being a form of trauma. I have been feeling a lighter version of PTSD, I truly believe so. Since I know what has triggered it I can almost say for certain that is what I think I am experiencing. I feel an "unreal" emotion all the time, like I am de-attached to reality. I am stressed literally over EVERYTHING, I am not even exaggerating when I say that. I might look calm to you on the outside but trust me, there is a war going on inside of my mind all the time. It even got to the point I couldn't be in school for certain days or even times of the day, I just couldn't. I wanted to avoid everyone at every cost. I got super paranoid.

 Why is that? Honestly, I don't know. My life as of lately has been treating me ok, it is not bad, it is not good, it is alright. So why the stress, why am I in such a void all the time, why all the paranoia?
It is simple, I have no control over my own life. I am stressed because of the future, I am stressed out mostly because my older sister (biggest source to my trauma) is coming soon home and is going to birth a child here which only will lead to disaster (previous experience, please check my latest blogpost if you are new here) and when I think of the time she lived here and I was alone with her and my older brother while my mother was away shoots my anxiety up to the rooftop. I cannot shake away that feeling, the tornado that is approaching and I am stuck, I cannot run, how much I try I just won't budge as I am seeing it approach me closer and closer and it gets bigger and bigger and will engulf my entire mind and soul any second. That is literally how it feels. This feeling has become such a nauseous that I can't even distract myself anymore like I usually do, that is hanging out with friends and watching a nice movie / show. It doesn't help anymore. It is terrifying. I decided 2 weeks ago since I had psychosis (nothing that I have experienced before) that I need professional help, again. I have not seen anyone for over a year if not more now and after everything with my sister I have not talked to anyone professional and I thought it was time to take control of my emotions since this is spiraling out of control. Now a see a therapist 1 time a week, I will see her until August and so far I have had 2 sessions with her and I am finally opening myself up, for real. Usually when I see a therapist I never ever talk about my upbringing, my childhood and early teenage years.

I have so much shit happening in my life that I sort of focus on the problems that are active and ahead, never once have I talked about my past in details. Not even here on my blog either. My childhood is just a rough subject to me to talk about. That is why I decided to build up the courage and finally talk about it. I am feeling lighter already but also anger, sadness, hurt. Those emotions I have worked so hard to devoid myself of for many years (which lead to my anxiety) are coming up to the surface. I am hurt, very hurt. My family is also the source to this, that is why it hurts so much. Not some random or outsider, no. My own flesh and blood has damaged me. Whenever people talk about how they would do anything for their family, I don't relate or understand. I never had that, even though that was my biggest wish in life since a child. I had never had that close bond with anyone, perhaps with my father but he is dead now. That itself is another story for another day. Also I might finally write out about my childhood and me growing up here on the blog in the future, I am not sure, I am still deciding on that.


The reason I am writing all of this now is because I almost fainted today when I was going to see my therapist. I got help of course and my faith in humanity is restored, it is strange, that a couple of people completely unknown to me cared more than my own mother when I told her about what happened today. She didn't even ask or listen. That hurt me so much. Complete unknown people have more sympathy than she will ever be able to provide. I realize she has a lot of issues herself. I have talked to my therapist about this and my family in general and I realized they never truly cared about me. My friends have been more family to me than my own flesh and blood. It is crazy. I know that this post is so out of place and I jump from one thing to another, I have had a lot of trouble focusing as of lately as you can tell. I don't want to write or think anymore, I am just gonna leave it at that. I am tired. Thanks for reading if you have made it this far. I love you. <3







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