Monday, June 26, 2017

I Deserve Better.


Hi sweethearts <3 

How are y'all doin? If you ask me, I am a bit better since the last time I posted. I am struggling but it has been a lot easier than usual after my last blog post. I am sitting here with some thoughts on life that I wanted to share with y'all and also clarify some things. I saw a post on a Facebook group that I am in and that sort of inspired me to do this post because I started to think of my situation in life and how much I could relate to how this person was feeling in that persons post in the group. It is about defying your depression / anxiety. If you do not life with anxiety or depression you will never know what it is like to deal with on everyday basis. I am sorry, but it is the truth. If you have experienced depression or anxiety in your lifetime (everyone has at some point) it is not the same as living with it, everyday. The struggles never ends, they just get lesser on good days but you always fight against it, ALL. THE. TIME. That is what it is and you just sorta... Learn to deal and live with it.
 However, it is not just that simple as it sounds. The worst thing that I (who suffers from mental issues) hear someone say "just do it, nothing will happened, you just need to get over it", that shit triggers me sometimes to no end. My answer to that is "I know" usually because I cannot be bothered to say "Well Helen, I be damned, why oh why didn't I think about that before? Thank you, you have cured me! You are a genius". Honestly, it is not that easy... If I could , don't you think me and many others would have just gotten "over it"?

Please think before you speak. 

Another thing is that some days I cannot even leave the apartment. The days when I do get out just to do a simple errand is a huge deal for me, When I go to school I feel proud of myself for actually defying my demons in my head. They never leave, they are just quite sometimes but their presence is always there. Let me tell you that I do want to do so much with my life. I have so many dreams that I want to achieve. I want to live my life to the fullest, be careless and free as I once was. I don't want to be filled with fear and paranoia and angst. I want to travel the world, trust the kindness of strangers, make new connections, come home in the early hours, go on adventures. I want to do all of these things with the bottom of my heart but my demons makes it impossible. I am tired of fighting it all the time, I truly am...
 I still do but I am afraid that one day that won't be enough. I am so so so tired of being afraid all the time. I am tired of my anxiety controlling me as if my life is not hard and shitty enough as it already is. I don't want to be a burden to anyone so that is why I keep my shit for myself. Like, I do talk to my friends but it doesn't help, they barely listen sometimes and then they wine on and on about why I never talk to them and what the problem is and my answer to that my friend is - "well guess 3 times, you are the problem" when they ask that question. I am sick of lying in the comfort of others. I am sick of caring about their emotions and convenient more than my own while they have no issue shitting on my problems and minimize them. Are they even true friends or are they using me just so their life quality can get better and they can feel better about themselves and then leave when I have helped them sort out their fucking problems and then they just leave me to my own, as usual. I don't expect someone else to get my life together but for fuck sake, does it literally kill you to actually listen to my problems for 30 min when I have heard you moan about yours for hours ? Idk man, I am just done. I am at a point in life where I turn every corner and every stone upside down. I have enough shit on my plate and I DO DESERVE BETTER. I am a good friend, appreciate it or get the fuck out of my life. It is that simple.


Anyway, all anger and angst aside, here are some selfies that I have from my photoshoot - 





Dare to love yourself, especially when no one else will, do it even harder. Know your worth and don't let anyone tell you what to feel or whatnot <3

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