Friday, December 1, 2017

I Am Not Well.


Hi sweethearts <3

Long time no see. That is what I say more or less everytime, right? Well, even for me, I have been more inactive than ever. Last update was June 26th 2017. It has been 6 months since my last update. Yet, here I am. I wonder, why am I here? The past year or two have been really hard for me to write about my emotions. I know I have  a hard time talking about them but writing has never been an issue until now. Hence the EXTREMELY lack of update. I know you readers have an amazing tendency to stick around despite my lack of posts but I have noticed that even you have grown tired of waiting. I don't blame you. I have abandoned my blog for half of year. I am sorry. I don't even know where to begin. I wish I had written about more happy things in life here on my blog. But I don't. It makes me wonder. Why is it like that? I know the answer. I am not happy. My life is not good. I know at the same time I have no right to complain. There are people being sold, raped, beaten, evicted, living in the streets, starving etc and here I am and feeling sorry for myself? It makes me feel worse than what I already do tbh. I feel guilt and shame to think my life is empty, cold and hollow when there are probably someone, out there in the world, wishing to have my life instead of theirs.

So much has been happening and at the same time nothing has changed. That is it. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. The thought of that itself makes me not want to continue with my life. It frightens me also because I want to live and I want to live my life to the fullest but all I get is pain. My mentalhealth is crumbling to ashes and  dust. I honestly don't have the strength to even continue to live this way. I don't feel happiness anymore. Not even in the small things in life. That is what has kept me going. The tiny flecks of light in the dark. They are diminished. Thinking about the future is impossible. I don't see it. I am afraid of me and for others. I wish I was more and enough. I wish I was a better friend, a better sister, a better person in general. I can't be there for anyone anymore. Even if I try it doesn't feel genuine. They want comfort and happiness in their gloom moments and I can't provide it anymore since I am drowning in it myself. I can't bring myself to even fake a smile just to give them some peace of their minds. They don't deserve to have someone like me. They deserve someone better.

I don't cry. I can't cry. I can't feel happiness either. Everyone keeps saying your time will come but I know better. I am so alien to them in so many ways I can't even begin to name them. I am so empty and lifeless. I just exist. I don't even know what for anymore. The things I found joy in has withered. That is also why I distans myself. I don't know why. I have a sick feeling in my gut it is for something very terrible and to keep them from getting hurt. I don't answer the phone even though it has been buzzing nonstop today. I just can't.
I relate to moments and situations no sane person would do. It scares me. I can't even talk about half of those stuff or even right them down.

I am tired. I am crushing and this time and don't think I will end up standing anymore. I don't feel love, sadness, happiness or anything no more. Only fear for myself and others like a terrible dread poising my veins with every inhale and exhale.