Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Lets Focus On The Positive

Hi again <3
After my update that I did yesterday I sort of felt like I only talked about the negative aspects of what has been happening while I have been gone from here. I feel like I barely brushed on the good things in my life. Then again, this blog, this place right here, has sort of been my sanctuary for my sanity, emotions and thoughts. This is where I truly can vent out my shit out in to the world then close the tab and forget about it more or less. It is liberating for me to do so because some things I can never speak about irl. I know that my most inner thoughts are quite dark and hard to manage and to deal with. Not many people around me can actually deal with it. I understand that it gets to heavy and I don't want to burden those around me with it, besides, it is not anyone's burden to carry besides myself actually. I know people say that they are there for you, and yes, to some extent they are. However, not to this length and the weight of it. I only say this based on my experience. Some people around me that reads my blog gets shocked by the things that I write. That is why I write it, so it is optional to read it for those who can and want and for those who can't, can simply click out. No hard feelings, easy peasy lemon squeezy. I understand for real though. Sometimes even I can't deal to hear some things and that is OK. We are all different. Just wanted to put it out there.

Anyhow, I am gonna try to write something positive that has actually happened in my life. To me, they feel very limited however, that is why I never talk about them here. I will try to though. One thing that my therapist always bug me about is to try to embrace and focus on the positive side of things. I am complete shit at doing so because when you live with the issues and trauma like I have and still do, it is damn near impossible to stay positive. BUT, I will try!
Some of the things that I will mention here have gone bad but that is not the point, it is the experience in itself that counts, right? (look at me being positve and shit, yay!) Lets see. Where do I begin? Hmm... 
Well, one thing that stands out to me the most is that I actually met someone. After almost two years of being single as a pringle I finally got on Tinder, matched and met that certain somebody. I did not expect anything for it to become and end the way that it did but yeah. Life is unexpected like that I guess. The person made me feel alive again. Something I have not felt in a long time. I was very shielded and kept close to myself before him but after seeing him, that sort of changed. I fell, I actually fell too damn hard and too fast. He made me feel butterflies, he made me feel beautiful, empowered, sexy, strong and confident. He made me feel like a woman again. Cliché, I know, but I swear it is true. All those things I had not been in touch with for a while. It is usually the other way around when I met someone, that I empower them and such, that is. Both men and women. It happens very rarely that I get to be on the other end of that. It was nice for a change. He, in a strange way, inspired me. He made me want to be a better version of myself for myself. Yes,  he just had that type of energy to him. He was the most exciting thing in my life for a good while. He was beautiful, charming as hell and a creative soul. This all probably sounds like a waltz on roses, and yes, it was for a while... Up until it wasn't. He changed, or should I say, his true side came forward after a couple of months. I was to blind to see it. You know, the whole love makes you blind bs, yup, that happened. Later on I was heartbroken and took me a good year to get over it. I am over it today and that year has been like a Dantes Inferno. Another positive thing, I finally got over it and I got over him. So it went in the order of good, bad then good.

Another great thing that has happened is that I've  got a set of new friends and amazing memories that keeps me warm in my heart. I have had amazing conversations, good laughs and an overall great experience with most. That is a lot thanks to my school. I also have had great teachers that always believed in me and pushed me through the hardships. I had one particular teacher that always believed in me and fought so hard to make me keep going to school, especially in times when it got rough, he kept pushing me through all of it. I will eternally be grateful for it.
I also managed to met a therapist last year that is good and that I have my meetings with every often. Those  are rare and  hard to find and it has been a long journey that itself to get one. But I finally did and I still am in touch with him and I always work on myself and my mental health. Even though it is really hard right now, it still feels good and actually safe, to know that I have that type of professional help at hand. I just have to learn to trust the treatment. Me, being a sceptical, since forever lol,
Last but certainly not least, I lost some friends that just turned out to be toxic. It is actually a positive thing to me. It certainly make life a lot easier and no one deserves or need that type of negativity in their lives to be honest.  Now I am in a happy place with the friends and people that I have around me in my life right now. Some have even came back into my life and things are better than ever. I can honestly say, I couldn't be happier about it. That is the one aspect of my life that is going good and is not tainted so far. I guess that will be all for today. Take care, I am sending positives vibes on your way. 

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

I Am Still Alive (ish)

Wow. Last time I did a blogpost was almost 2 full years ago. The last post that I did was on 1st December 2017. Now it is June 30th 2019. Holy crap, where the hell do I even begin? I wanted to make a post from time to time. I opened the tab, stared at it then just shutted it down. I have no clue where to begin to be completely honest. Just thinking about it makes me  overwhelmed. Where have I been, what have I done during the time of my absence, how does my life look right now, how am I today, where am I today etc. I wish I could just write it all down, but it is too much. A lot has of things have happened. My life is the same more or less but I am not, which in turn changes the view of ones life that itself, doesn't it? So, can I even say that it is the same when I am not the same person anymore? I can say one thing is for certain, I am changed. Still deciding if it is for better or for worse. I want to say worse since I have developed other types of mental illnesses. Before I used to have anxiety, depression and panic attacks. Now I have anxiety, depersonalization disorder, derealization, agoraphobia and slight PTSD. Yup, when you thought shit couldn't hit the fan anymore than what it already have, well, here we are! Yay :)
On a positive note, I managed to get through school. I studied up my grades and other things for 2.5 years and now in May I was done. It has not been an easy task at all by any means. Not the studying itself but everything that has happened during that time. I have been through some real challenges and they have broken my former self into this new one. My living situation is the same, it has been worse but it is better, however it isn't good either. I have lost close friends, I have been betrayed by people, I have been used and abused emotionally. I have been in and out of psych ward because of mental breakdowns here and there. Been on and off medication that has made me feel even worse than what I already am. My stress level is at 100% all the time nonstop, every single minute, hour and day of my life. It has been for a few years but it is worse now more than ever. The majority of it though is just in my own head. That is the worst part of it and I can't stop it no matter how hard I try and believe me, I have tried everything from therapy, meditation and sex. Yes, even that. It just doesn't work. Sometimes I am afraid to lose it completely. I am terrified 24/7 because of it. I try to keep my shit together every wake moment I have and it is honestly so exhausting. I am terribly tired all the time and I feel completely drained by the end of the day. It is an evil circle to break free from. Especially if you want change, you need to make them happen but in order for them to happen, you need the energy to get started and there is where I am lacking, extremely. Just going through the motions of the day is an entire struggle in itself. I have needs, hopes and dreams but I am too tired to give a damn about any of them at this point.  It feels useless most of the times whenever I try and believe me, I have tried. I am slipping away from my life, myself and everyone around me. I can feel it and actually even see it. I just don't care about anything anymore. All my passions that I once had are gone as well. Nothing stimulates me or makes me happy. Everything is just so... Bleak. Nothing drives me really at the moment. I just live day by day now and somehow, hopefully, this will go away and I will be at least fine again.

I used to have tons of pictures of me.  I accidentally rebooted my phone recently, so all of my pics that I have taken the past two years, are  gone. Here is one at least that is not horribly old.