Tuesday, July 30, 2019

I Am Still Alive (ish)

Wow. Last time I did a blogpost was almost 2 full years ago. The last post that I did was on 1st December 2017. Now it is June 30th 2019. Holy crap, where the hell do I even begin? I wanted to make a post from time to time. I opened the tab, stared at it then just shutted it down. I have no clue where to begin to be completely honest. Just thinking about it makes me  overwhelmed. Where have I been, what have I done during the time of my absence, how does my life look right now, how am I today, where am I today etc. I wish I could just write it all down, but it is too much. A lot has of things have happened. My life is the same more or less but I am not, which in turn changes the view of ones life that itself, doesn't it? So, can I even say that it is the same when I am not the same person anymore? I can say one thing is for certain, I am changed. Still deciding if it is for better or for worse. I want to say worse since I have developed other types of mental illnesses. Before I used to have anxiety, depression and panic attacks. Now I have anxiety, depersonalization disorder, derealization, agoraphobia and slight PTSD. Yup, when you thought shit couldn't hit the fan anymore than what it already have, well, here we are! Yay :)
On a positive note, I managed to get through school. I studied up my grades and other things for 2.5 years and now in May I was done. It has not been an easy task at all by any means. Not the studying itself but everything that has happened during that time. I have been through some real challenges and they have broken my former self into this new one. My living situation is the same, it has been worse but it is better, however it isn't good either. I have lost close friends, I have been betrayed by people, I have been used and abused emotionally. I have been in and out of psych ward because of mental breakdowns here and there. Been on and off medication that has made me feel even worse than what I already am. My stress level is at 100% all the time nonstop, every single minute, hour and day of my life. It has been for a few years but it is worse now more than ever. The majority of it though is just in my own head. That is the worst part of it and I can't stop it no matter how hard I try and believe me, I have tried everything from therapy, meditation and sex. Yes, even that. It just doesn't work. Sometimes I am afraid to lose it completely. I am terrified 24/7 because of it. I try to keep my shit together every wake moment I have and it is honestly so exhausting. I am terribly tired all the time and I feel completely drained by the end of the day. It is an evil circle to break free from. Especially if you want change, you need to make them happen but in order for them to happen, you need the energy to get started and there is where I am lacking, extremely. Just going through the motions of the day is an entire struggle in itself. I have needs, hopes and dreams but I am too tired to give a damn about any of them at this point.  It feels useless most of the times whenever I try and believe me, I have tried. I am slipping away from my life, myself and everyone around me. I can feel it and actually even see it. I just don't care about anything anymore. All my passions that I once had are gone as well. Nothing stimulates me or makes me happy. Everything is just so... Bleak. Nothing drives me really at the moment. I just live day by day now and somehow, hopefully, this will go away and I will be at least fine again.

I used to have tons of pictures of me.  I accidentally rebooted my phone recently, so all of my pics that I have taken the past two years, are  gone. Here is one at least that is not horribly old. 

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